hi all. today is friday. the weather is gloomy. my daughter is at full day preschool now three days a week and my son naps. this leaves me with an odd thing--spare time. of course i could be folding laundry, putting dishes away, or cooking but i am not. i am here writing to you or to me or something instead.
last night i went to sleep discontet and woke up even more so. my dad's health and all of the fear that goes along with it has me all jacked up. despite the knowldege that things seem ok right now, it is difficult for me to come back to earth. hard to recover i guess is the sentiment. i tend to want to continue to brace for impact--like a passenger on a flight who is still in the emergency position well after the actual emergency has passed. it is a bummer.
the emergency position coupled with some overall malaise that might be somewhat weather related has me a little down. and of course in my nature, i tend to dwell in the down instead of doing something else that will make me feel better. it is an old habit this dwelling.
also, i have this weird...intuition? that something is wrong which i just realized may also be part of my inability to believe things are ok. someone once accused me of being like chicken little who always thinks the sky is falling, eventually people stop listening or caring. i remember that comment like it was yesterday partially because it devestated me and partially bc there was some truth in it. i have become particularly adept and seeing negative patterns or looking for where and or how things will fall apart. i dont think i need to explain why i do this, suffice to say that it must give me some weird sense of control or comfort.
the struggle today is that post-possible crisis and unable to de-crisis myself quickly, i realize that part of the problem is having not felt the actual feelings yesterday or the day before--i now am left with this weird inability to totally rid myself of them. do feelings linger until they are actually felt? i can only think that they indeed do. if that is true then i need to get to actually feeling. easier said then done. maybe that will be my next post...how to feel the feelings that have gotten lost deep inside you. maybe i need to find them first...here's to finding what is lost and letting go of it once we get it, or soemthing like that. xxk
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