Hi All. Yes, it has been a long time. Summer is here and life is busy. Things are going ok. I have been working more and going to meetings and being in the sun and playing w/ the kids and basically enjoying the ease that warm weather and sunshine brings to the Catskills. Last night I got some scary news about a family member. It got me twisted up good. All of my fears resurfaced. Many bigger and scarier then before. So I am writing about them I guess. My fears. My fear of losing people that I love. One person. My fear of not being in control. I'm not. My fear of making mistakes. I do. My fear of not being able to protect my children from my mistakes, from pain, from life. I can't.
I sit here. Typing. Afraid. Alone. Not alone. Connected. Then disconnected. Moment to moment. Changing. Thoughts racing by like clouds. One then the other moving so fast and then seeming to not move at all. I vascillate between feeling empowered and totally powerless. I dont understand what I am supposed to do or how. I wait for answers. I act anyway. I try. I hold my baby boy. I feel his plump arms and legs. His solid body and smell is sweaty hair. I feel connected and alive and ok. I feel like crying. I cant cry. I just hold him. I hold him and wonder what will happen next.
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