Love

Hi Friends,

Tuesday night. The last week has been really hectic. My Dad is in the hospital and (once again) I feel totally powerless and stuck in fear. I have been talking about it as much as I can but I admit that is not that much. I hate talking about it because I hate thinking about it. I want to pretend it is not happening but the truth is that cant. I try to pretend by sleeping or eating or not sleeping or not eating or wasting time on facebook or pinterest or even reading bad book but it is always there. My pain is always with me. My sadness is with me. My fear is with me. I spend so much energy trying to push it down and I only end up tired.

Last night I sat at a meeting and talked about Scotch. I was not a huge Scotch drinker but I oddly seem to equate this particular drink with total and pure annihilation and therefore seem to think of it when I want that. So there is my Scotch idea, picture, dream lingering in my head. I drive home considering how much work I do to not have this idea and yet, here it is. I quickly establish this is not a good thought. I pick up cell phone. I put down cell phone. I put on radio. I drive. I drive home thinking about why I am not calling anyone. I think about why I am thinking about a drink. I am sure of this one. I am thinking about a drink bc I am a recovering alcoholic who is scared and sad. That was simple.

I drive home. I know I will not have a Scotch, buy a Scotch, or even get close enough to one to smell it. Not today and hopefully not tomorrow either. I know there is no solace for me there, not really. I know that the simple solution I crave, the escape, the instantly better, the no more pain, the everything feels fine moment is one giant mirage for me. A mirage that leads me to pain, loneliness, shame, and a bottomless pit of self loathing. I know this all.

I think about how I need conscious contact with a higher power. I need a spiritual solution. I look at nature. I look at my kids. I think higher power. I feel not that much of anything. I talk to my sponsor later that night...I say I cant feel conscious contact and I am scared or I do feel it but not enough, not the way that I should, not the way that I want to feel it. I want to feel so much God or Higher Power that I dont feel anything else. I want a God binge. I dont think it works this way.

My Sponsor says that Faith is believing even when you dont feel it. It is remembering that you have and hanging on. I think this makes sense. It is anticlimatic but it makes sense. I have faith. I believe. I know I will feel again. I know my kids break thru my sadness. I know their smell and hair and skin is like my own special religion. I kneel down before them, before this warm house full of food, before this life full of love and sadness too. I kneel down and pray for an open heart, for love, for acceptance, for compassion--not just for me, but for you too. xxK