As you can see in my title, yesterday I ran five miles. This is big for me bc I've never run that far before. The interesting thing is that I dont think it happened bc I am somehow in better shape now then before. It happened bc I thought it could. I just read this Buddhist quote "We are what we think, having become what we thought." this blows my mind bc I think when I am feeling my best, I am thinking my best. Sometimes I forgot to explore if I wasnt actually thinking my best before I was feeling my best. I think this is a fairly basic concept--my husband actually talks about this idea changing his life--every feeling is precipitated by a thought. If you want to change how you feel then you need to change how you think. While this seems deceptively simple my experience has been that changing how you think is actually really hard. It is hard to use your mind to change your mind but I do think it can be done. It just seems to require perserverance, discipline and above all--vigilance.
Of course I can bring this back to quitting drinking. When you first stop you are just constantly baraged w/ these thoughts about drinking, wanting to or not wanting to or wishing you could or wondering if you should or wondering what would happen if you did. In early recovery it is very hard to let go of these thoughts and it is easy to get stuck thinking about these things for long periods of time. I would be willing to bet that people who relapse actually do so because they simply get lost in their head.
At this point in my recovery that doesnt happen so much because I have learned that having one of those thoughts does not mean I have to have a hundred. It is like picking up the telephone and then realizing you can hang up if you dont like who it is. You dont have to stay with your thoughts and have a conversation if you dont want to. Now, I am trying to apply this simple concept to other areas of my life.
Recently, I have been struggling with fear and envy. I guess we all do but these two just keep coming back. They are my obstacles to peace and contentment. The fear comes in the form of what if...the envy generally takes a more insidious path that causes me to feel jealous at many other peoples happiness or success. Once I feel this terrible feeling I then feel quilty and like I must suck as a person for not being able to be happy for others. Perhaps there is a splash of self righteousness in there too bc I usually feel envy in places where I think the recepient of whatever goodness is not as good/kind/smart as me. It is insanity bc what truly good/kind/smart person is feeling envy at others happiness or material success? Jeepers. I know enought to know that under this envy is probably insecurity. My own desire for these things and then the resulting fear that I will never get them moves into my head before I know it and then I am thinking all abotu myself and not the other person at all. Ugh, selfishness the other demon.
Perhaps just focusing on the idea that I have exactly what I need and all is as it should be right now will help. I feel better at least having wrote it down. xx
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