another sunday night

Here it is. Sunday night again. Never my favorite night. Monday looms on the horizon and Thursday (my very favorite day) seems faraway. I am not sure what to write tonite. As usual I am stuck deep inside my head. Deep. Sunday nights are the worst for that. I can say that I am very happy that I am not still drinking bc Sunday nights after being drunk since Wed or Thursday was pretty darn awful. Painful. More then anything lonely. Ahhhh. Loneliness. There it is...a topic. Loneliness is a terrible feeling and made worse by the presence of many people. How is it that I can feel so lonely with people all around me? My husband, my children, my mother and yet, sometimes--not all of the time--I feel lonely anyway. Disconnected. Stuck in my thoughts, chasing my own demons--self doubt, inadequacy, fear.

On Saturday I went to a meeting and this very wise lady was speaking about change. She was saying that change was always hard for her bc she used to equate change with loss. I got it. I get it. To a large extent that is me. I am afraid of change and since life is always changing, I am always afraid, and when I am scared--I feel alone. When I write about it it helps bc I then realize it is really ridiculous to think that when things change that they get bad. Particulary when I can think of many times when things have changed in my life for the better--getting sober, getting prengant, getting married, getting my job at Sunrise. The funny part about those changes is that I picked them but not before I had the other scary changes, the ones I did not pick...losing my job in NYC, having a long and lonely relationship end when I didnt really want it to, leaving NYC, leaving my house first house in Vermont. I guess what I mean is that all of my happy changes came from some other changes that seemed not happy at the time. The universe has a plan for all of us. For me. For you. I guess we have to trust it. We have to ride the weirdo wave of fate until we crash into our free will and see what happens. We have to have faith in these uncertain times that even when we dont know what the fuck is going to happen--someone much wiser then us does. I will leave tonite by saying that I started out feeling a little sad and now feel connected to this great wide and starry universe. All of us wandering around trying to figure it all out. What a shame that with so much love around us we can ever be scared or lonely. What a tragic misuse of my (or anyone elses) mind power...wasting it on projecting bad stuff when I could be writing to you and being reminded of just how lucky I really am. Sober again tonite. xx