being of service

hi all. i've not written in a while. i got very busy with attempting to sort out moving stuff and planning and executing my sister's bridal shower. happily i felt the shower went well. the moving stuff has made some shifts and it seems that i may not be moving for five or six months--maybe even a year yet. i am relieved and also thrown off by this but trying to go with the flow. a friend in recovery has been sharing some of her wisdome with me latley and the thing that has been sticking in my head is the idea of being of service--to others, to the universe, to a higher power, etc. i dont think it totally matter who or what you want to be of service to. just that in so doing we lose sight of ourselves, our own self interest, fears, ego. it has been working for me to just stay focused on what i am doing for other people and reminding myself when i feel insecure or self conscious that it really is not about me. i need to let that stuff go and focus on others or just on doing the right thing--so far things seem to be falling into place using this strategy. i admit to frequently reverting back to self centered fear but when i feel this i just remind myself--stop thinking about what people think of you and stay focused on what you are doing--on something bigger and more important then that. it is pretty liberating to stop caring what people think--without using alcohol or drugs--and to just be who you want to be and hope for the best.

turns out it seems like 90% of my fear is based on my own worry about what other people will think of me. when i get rid of that there is only a small amount left that i need to handle. makes my life much more manageable to work in this way. i feel relieved and happy knowing that i am doing my best and that it really is not that important if other people dont get it or see soemthing else. i cant control that and i dont really want to. we all get to think and feel how we want and that is a good thing.

a few days ago i did get some news that unsettled me. threw me off. my first inclination was to really emotionally charge that information and then share it--sort of keeping the drama going. then i realized that it really was not at about me. it was totally about other people and my inclination to make it about me was just an old bad habit that it is time to put away. i can forgive myself for the inclination to gossip or be part of some big emotionally charged event or news but i'd like to also work on moving past being that way too.

we'll see how this progresses...i think i am moving in the right direction though and i feel much less weighed down by fear when i bring myself back to myself...not my fears but my values. honesty. openess. kindness. love. hope today we can all keep it simple and remind ourselves to act from a place of wisdom and thoughtfullness not fear and reactivity.
xx