tonite i am once again confronted by past demons--this one in the form of self discipline or self care or both? i think both. my lack of good sleeping has once again started to effect my daily life, serenity, etc. having tried and then kicked ambien i see no need to revisit that train wreck waiting to happen. it is so strange how i, even with a sleeping aid, can--obsess. i can stay vigilant and moderate with dosage etc but still i desire an easy way out and when i have it, it is hard for me not to take it. deep down inside of me there is something that says when life is hard--escape it. i want ot go to sleep and just be somewhere else. it is humbling to admit this, humbling to write it, humbling to aknowledge the feelings and behaviors that are so the opposite of what i believe and what i want for myself or anyone else. i feel like a failure of sorts.
it is pointed out to me that exercising would really help many of my challenges and while i do sometimes get in a low level novice sort of routine--i just dont sustain it. things happen. life happens. i get busy with other things and before i know it i am back to being my not working out self. leaving me stressed out and desperate for a cure that is more immediate then a run or walk or a yoga pose.
how much my heart hurts about this is hard to convey in words. i feel like a failure. knowing so clearly what the answer is or could be and then not following thru on it with any regularity. i feel like i try but evidence shows otherwise. self discipline is not my strong suit. it seems i can successfully not do certain things (ie drink, do drugs etc) but when it comes to succesfully adding healthy things to my routine--i think a monkey would do better. the end result of me not doing these things is progressively getting worse though. i feel trapped. i feel sorry for myself. i feel anxious, like a mouse on a wheel that doesnt understand that she can stop the wheel.
i imagine the better version of myself getting it. really getting it. committing to a healthier life and then following thru on it and then i try and fail. stop. give up. i dont know. i will say my intention is never to not do it. i have time management issues. i have life management issues. i have two small children and i feel as though the time i get to myself is infrequent. i feel tired. i feel like the tired version of me is not my best self but some shadow version of me that sometimes does well and often just gets by. the learning to take good care of yourself made sense ot me once but i am not sure it ever really stuck. i just started taking care of someone else. i got lost or maybe am only now just getting found. it is not so easy to get found while raising children but i am trying. i guess i am doing ok. i know where i am, i know where i want to be, now i just need to get going on getting there.
my fear keeps kicking in though and that is what hurts. stops me in my tracks. makes me want to hide under the covers and wait until it is safe to come out--and then it really never feels totally safe enough. i fear i will lose what i have and not get what i want. i worry. i worry more. i worry about my worrying. i think too much and too often.
tonite i have an imagined enemy. she is out there. plotting to take what i have from me. having learned more then me, better then me, and being more together then i am-i worry this made up person will come and take everything i have away and i will be left with nothing and wondering what happened. i wish i could move past this fear but i cant. i am stuck. stuck. stuck. stuck. not much else to say tonite. xx
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