hi all. today has been a tough day for me. i had an argument with my dad who is determined to leave the hospital how and when he wants and then i got a rejection letter from the job i thought i might get. apparently they did not do second interviews. they put a sticky note on the rejection letter that said that i was the second choice and good luck to me. i think this helped but i am not sure. i am actually not sure of much. not getting that job gives me more time to try to unwind from the crazy pace of the last month but it is still a hit to my ego and wallet. so much for feeling professionally invincible.

this brings me to it. my latest thought. how important to my self esteem or own sense of self is what others think of me? the real truth is that i am the same worker now that i was before i got that letter and i would be the same if i had gotten a call that i had the job. how i feel about myself and my work really should not be determined by one person who met me for an hour, but it still stings, as i guess these things are bound to do. all i can muster from this is the idea that i guess i should remain focused on substance abuse work and writing since that is really where my interest is anyway.

the stuff w/ my dad is harder. i feel hurt bc he isnt being nice--to me or anyone else. i feel sad that he makes choices for himself that seem, at best, short sighted and, at worst, dangerous. i think about all of the things i could try to do to make things better and then cant execute them so that they actually work. i think if we were closer maybe i'd have more of an impact but we're not and i don't. my feelings of powerlessness and fear seem to be coming in waves of increasing height. all of this while trying to pack and leave a job with coworkers that i love and will miss. not to mention friends i know and will miss. it is painful as shit and makes me want to cry and stomp my feet and cancel the moving trucks, but i dont. i wont.

for today i will take it one day at a time. i will finish my work. i will go home and go to a meeting. i will do the next right thing and then the next right thing after that. i will stop telling myself mean things and i will start the never ending process of building myself back up--i guess that is really what it is all about. thanks for helping me out. xxk