untitled

hi. tonite i cant even muster a title. wtf. i know. lazy. my brain though is really starting to feel the effects of the last few weeks of stress and it is not pretty. almost no creative energy. anyway, i wanted to write bc 1) i cant sleep and 2) i am leaving tomorrow for philadelphia to attend my dad's triple bypass surgery. it is so fucked up to really think about how our bodies work. how strong we are and then also how fragile. i know nothing groundbreaking in these ideas but it 12:02am and i havent slept well without a otc sleep aid in days. so i am always either drowsy from the sleep aid or tired from not sleeping. i almost broke down today and called for some ambien but then i remembered a friend telling me that her relapse started with ambien and i reconsidered. i've already also blogged about my previous relationship with ambien and how i dont think it is really healthy for me and my recovery, so i remain strong, and not sleeping.

i'll keep this short because my writing is painfully bad tonite. i am scared. i am scared of losing my dad. i thought about it tonite and i am not ready to lose him. i dont feel that i could handle it and i am terrified that i will be asked to. i understand that i likely will never feel ready for this but tonite i can say that i know i am not and i dont want it to happen. i also know i have no control over anything and that no matter what i need to accept what life offers me.

acceptance.

this is where i struggle. for the most part i believe that my sobriety, my recovery, my sense of myself is firm. solid. then there are events that push me and make me wonder. just how much can i take before i go back to being the old me. i want to fall down, cry, be a mess for a long time and let someone else be the adult. i want to smoke a pack of cigarettes in the dirtiest diviest bar imaginable while drinking johnny walker black and talking to strangers. i want to forget who i am. then i want to foget who my dad is. then i want to forget that in a few days someone is going to slice him open. i am tired of doing the right thing. tired of being strong. tired.

and then even as i write this i know that i dont want that either. i dont want to fall apart. i dont want to go back to needing that option. i am not that person anymore and i dont even want to be. who i want to be is me like i am now--just not having this happen. i want to control the universe so things go the way that i want. i want to keep everyone i love and like and know right here with me and never let them go. i dont want anyone to get hurt or cry or go away. not now and not ever.

when i was 11 or 12 my dad moved out of our house. i remember watching his tail lights as his car pulled away. i said out loud i think, dont leave me. i meant it. i knew he had to go then but i wasnt ready and. it is true, probably i never would have been. tonite as i sit here i feel just like that 11 year old kneeling and looking out the window. i know i cant change anything but i wish i could.

tomorrow i will put these feelings away. i dont want my dad or my family to have to think about my feelings when we should be concentrating on my dad. for tonite, they are here though and this is their moment. i am scared and i feel like a child. i dont want to ever think about my parents not being here with me and i hate the fact that i have to. when i went to get gas in my car earlier tonite, i stood staring at the drinks in the shell station. finally i grabbed some weird seltzer lemon thing. out of the corner of my eye i saw the beer in the next cooler down. i imagined waking up on my front porch having never even made it inside. i imagined my kids and family having to take care of me. i realized then that i can do this. i dont want to but i can and i will. i havent made it this far to turn back now. hope you are still on your path too. wherever we are going--i hope we all get there in one piece. xx