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Hi all. Just home from work which was ok. Spent time talking to kids at work about how being fake and getting along with people you dont like are different things. Spent next 1.5h wondering if this is actually true. Spent entire ride home rethinking my career choices, my life, and what it means to be "in recovery." Had same feeling that I usaully do that it is complicated and that we cant spend every minute of our days happy and content but I admit to wondering if my endless self-analysis isnt part of the problem. Had conversation today where I had to admit that sometimes my continual obsession w/ myself, my thoughts, my recovery, my life, my philosophy, my lack of philosophy, my non-religion, my spirituality or not, my stance on psychotropic meds, my new meds, my old meds, the difference in meds, the possibility i dont need meds, my family history, my family story, my family in general etc is the problem. Then realize that over simplifying my life to one "problem" is part of the ongoing problem.

Then I re-read the above and cant believe that this is a recovery blog and I continually sound unstable and just downright weird. I realize my last post was a letter to my therapist which I cant send to him but somehow can publish to the universe no problem. I dotn want to mislead anyone into thinking that everyone in recovery has this many contridictory thoughts. Many dont. I dont want anyone to think that if you get sober you have analyze yourself constantly. You dont. Many people seem happy or happier in fact that dont do this so much. So the dislcaimer is that I have always been like this. I have more clarity sober so I think the results are better but generally this is me.

I hope I dont freak you out if you are reading and not sure about recovery. My life is amazing, precious, mundane, fucked up, and then perfect all at once and most of the time. I keep thinking that I'll find the right book, pill, spiritual guru, tea, friend, job that will somehow end the searching but I have moments (like tonite) where I realize that deep down I have to admit to knowing that there is no one solution to life. That life is both simple and complex--that recovery is the same, relatioships the same, parenting is the same. The trick for me is to know this and hold it all at once---the simple with the complex, the good with the bad, the contedness with the ambition. To just hold onto it all and feel it and see it and not be afraid. Heres to another sober night. Thanks for sharing it with me. xxK