Not a higher power--a wider power...

Just for the record the title of this blog is not mine--I mean I didnt think of it myself. I heard it at a meeting and I fell in love with the idea. This little/big idea really solved a huge dilemma for me. I have always hated the idea of higher power. It just felt weird and wrong to me. The idea of a wider power--a power that runs thru us and connects us all--that is an idea I can get behind. Also, it makes me feel good to think about spirtuality this way--as a force that does not divide us but connects us.
This past Sunday I went to a meeting that is quickly becoming better then therapy for me. The person who was speaking talked about how he never wants to drink or do drugs again bc he wants to feel all of his life (i am paraphrasing here)--feel all of his feelings the highs and the lows. He said he didnt want to dull the feelings with drugs or alcohol. This idea also really helped me. For some reason my brain likes to tell me that alcohol or drugs somehow enhances feelings but the reality is that, for me, they do not do this at all. They distort, numb, twist and basically change everything. My sense of wanting to "enhance" is actually just me trying to control my feelings for the good or the bad. It is sick thinking. Old thinking. Familiar thinking.
Sometimes I hate how twisted I can still get. I wish I could be a different person--a person who is and appears highly together. A person who never looks undone. A person who never is undone. I think about who I really am. A person who is trying to be a good person. At the meeting this man talked about wanting one thing in life--to just be a good person. I am not sure why but I loved this idea. Of jsut wanting to be good. Of just wanting to do the right thing.
It is hard sometimes these changes. SOmetimes I just feel weird and I miss the parties, the recklessness, the odd mix of elation and despair--but of course I do. I am basically hard wired to miss those things. And it is ok. It is ok to miss things that were bad for me, people that were bad for me. It is ok to remember who I used to be--as long as I stay who I am... xxK