Hi All,
So today has not been an easy day so far. It is only 9:48am and I want to start the day over and pretend the earlier part never happened. An agrument with my spouse over--over I dont know what has made me feel--uneasy, I guess. I am tempted (as I always am) to take all of the blame for the disagreement but the truth is that I just cannot see how it is all my fault. I feel as though we all are required, as adults, to take responsibility for what we bring to the table and when I take over responsibility then other people get to take under responsibility. The result is that we all stay in this weird dynamic that is not really healthy for anyone.
It is really challenging though because I know that I am not an--easy (?) person to be with. I have a lot of baggage and I bring it with me. I have a father that is mentally ill and so recently I have that going on while the rest of my life is going on and it feels overwhelming. I get help and I talk to other people but I know that it effects me and it drains me of energy that I should have for other people and I could (and do) justify this by saying to myself that part of life and relationships is supporting people when they are less then perfect or dealing with life on life's terms but what happens when life on life's terms seems to be constantly derailing one partner while other partner sits and tries to be supportive but ends up just pissed. I end up with two problems. One problem being my Dad and his health and the next being how I allow him to effects me and my relationships. I need to take responsibility for how it effects me and when etc. I need to do this while not developing a resentment at the person for jsut not understanding. I would say this is the harderst part--this not developing a resentment thing.
I may have written before that I feel like a natural daughter, mother, sister but when it comes to wife I just struggle, dont get it, mess it up and have to work really hard. It feels so unnatural and hard. I know I am not alone in this yet it doesnt really help me feel better about it. Maybe it comes back to how much I hate being uncomfortable at all and how whenever I feel uncomfortable in situations or relationships I want to escape. I am a child in this way. It goes like this...ok, this is not comfortable. ok, i am not liking how this is feeling. ok, i think maybe i should run away. Then I snap back to reality and begin again with trying to see my part, trying to udnerstand, trying to be compassionate and non-judgemental to myself and to the people I love. This is not second nature to me. Somewhere the old me is kicking around already buying a bottle of Tequila and a pack of cigarettes all ready to drink, smoke, and then fight.
I guess it is progress that I dotn even really think that sounds like fun anymore. I guess I better stop procrastinating and go back to my life. One day at a time...trying to grow up...xxK
So today has not been an easy day so far. It is only 9:48am and I want to start the day over and pretend the earlier part never happened. An agrument with my spouse over--over I dont know what has made me feel--uneasy, I guess. I am tempted (as I always am) to take all of the blame for the disagreement but the truth is that I just cannot see how it is all my fault. I feel as though we all are required, as adults, to take responsibility for what we bring to the table and when I take over responsibility then other people get to take under responsibility. The result is that we all stay in this weird dynamic that is not really healthy for anyone.
It is really challenging though because I know that I am not an--easy (?) person to be with. I have a lot of baggage and I bring it with me. I have a father that is mentally ill and so recently I have that going on while the rest of my life is going on and it feels overwhelming. I get help and I talk to other people but I know that it effects me and it drains me of energy that I should have for other people and I could (and do) justify this by saying to myself that part of life and relationships is supporting people when they are less then perfect or dealing with life on life's terms but what happens when life on life's terms seems to be constantly derailing one partner while other partner sits and tries to be supportive but ends up just pissed. I end up with two problems. One problem being my Dad and his health and the next being how I allow him to effects me and my relationships. I need to take responsibility for how it effects me and when etc. I need to do this while not developing a resentment at the person for jsut not understanding. I would say this is the harderst part--this not developing a resentment thing.
I may have written before that I feel like a natural daughter, mother, sister but when it comes to wife I just struggle, dont get it, mess it up and have to work really hard. It feels so unnatural and hard. I know I am not alone in this yet it doesnt really help me feel better about it. Maybe it comes back to how much I hate being uncomfortable at all and how whenever I feel uncomfortable in situations or relationships I want to escape. I am a child in this way. It goes like this...ok, this is not comfortable. ok, i am not liking how this is feeling. ok, i think maybe i should run away. Then I snap back to reality and begin again with trying to see my part, trying to udnerstand, trying to be compassionate and non-judgemental to myself and to the people I love. This is not second nature to me. Somewhere the old me is kicking around already buying a bottle of Tequila and a pack of cigarettes all ready to drink, smoke, and then fight.
I guess it is progress that I dotn even really think that sounds like fun anymore. I guess I better stop procrastinating and go back to my life. One day at a time...trying to grow up...xxK
You're thinking smart things---don't take on all the responsibility; sometimes you're wrong; sometimes the other person is wrong; being wrong isn't fatal, it's exactly what life is made of. We aren't all moving toward some more perfect union--it's always in flux, always a mess of joy, confusion, disappointment, wild success.
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