Hi All,
Saturday night. Tonite I had dinner with an old friend and two new friends. My old friend is like a sister to me and has always made me feel really loved and ok just the way that I am. My other two new friends are her old friends. I expected it to be a special night but I got all mixed up with what my expectations were of how it would be or how I would be before I got there and almost blew it. I did not expect that I would blow into this home in some weird emotional tornado, glasses on, sweaty, hot, hair a mess etc. I also could have lied and said I was sick or made an excuse to not go or I could have gone and pretended everything was cool with me but I didn't. I knew I couldn't. I gave up faking it with people I really love when I gave up drinking. Not productive.
So there I was. A mess among people that I sort of was invested in at least kind of liking me. Ugh. I had a moment of feeling totally inadequate and terrible. I just wanted to run home and hide from them and my family and myself. I had to tell myself that I was loved and then the people I was with were so amazing and basically told me that repeatedly. Because I was my real self--glasses and all--I got to be my real self with them and for good (or bad) that is who I am. I felt sort of liberated not having to be some super happy or good looking or funny or smart kind of person. I just was me. I was too tired and too hot to be someone else.
Then the craziest thing happened. I met someone who actually has a pretty good amount in common with me or I with her. I had this moment of realizing that I was right where I was supposed to be and right with who I was supposed to be with. Not only that but I was exactly how I was supposed to be. I mean I was not what I thought I should be etc but I was how I am. It is so scary sometimes to be like this. I risk being rejected or talked about or laughed at. I risk judgement from others and suffer thru my own judgements of myself (my own feelings of just not being good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough). These scary thoughts flood my brain and make me question myself. I have to stay strong and stay safe with people who I love and who love me. I have to remember that the things I tell myself are not always true. I have to call my own bluff.
I have to be honest, open minded, willing. I have to do what is good for me even when it feels uncomfortable and scary. I have to do this not just for me but for all of us and you do too. The reason I have to do this is because it is in these hot, sweaty, glasses on moments that the real me gets to meet the real you. This is a special thing. This is the stuff that counts--this realness, this scary, uncomfortable, not expected, not how I wanted it really stuff is exactly what it is all about. I think the slogan Let Go, and Let God is really about this kind of. I have to give up my idea of how things are supposed to be (myself included) so that I can really embrace and appreciate exactly how things are. Amen to that. xx
Saturday night. Tonite I had dinner with an old friend and two new friends. My old friend is like a sister to me and has always made me feel really loved and ok just the way that I am. My other two new friends are her old friends. I expected it to be a special night but I got all mixed up with what my expectations were of how it would be or how I would be before I got there and almost blew it. I did not expect that I would blow into this home in some weird emotional tornado, glasses on, sweaty, hot, hair a mess etc. I also could have lied and said I was sick or made an excuse to not go or I could have gone and pretended everything was cool with me but I didn't. I knew I couldn't. I gave up faking it with people I really love when I gave up drinking. Not productive.
So there I was. A mess among people that I sort of was invested in at least kind of liking me. Ugh. I had a moment of feeling totally inadequate and terrible. I just wanted to run home and hide from them and my family and myself. I had to tell myself that I was loved and then the people I was with were so amazing and basically told me that repeatedly. Because I was my real self--glasses and all--I got to be my real self with them and for good (or bad) that is who I am. I felt sort of liberated not having to be some super happy or good looking or funny or smart kind of person. I just was me. I was too tired and too hot to be someone else.
Then the craziest thing happened. I met someone who actually has a pretty good amount in common with me or I with her. I had this moment of realizing that I was right where I was supposed to be and right with who I was supposed to be with. Not only that but I was exactly how I was supposed to be. I mean I was not what I thought I should be etc but I was how I am. It is so scary sometimes to be like this. I risk being rejected or talked about or laughed at. I risk judgement from others and suffer thru my own judgements of myself (my own feelings of just not being good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough). These scary thoughts flood my brain and make me question myself. I have to stay strong and stay safe with people who I love and who love me. I have to remember that the things I tell myself are not always true. I have to call my own bluff.
I have to be honest, open minded, willing. I have to do what is good for me even when it feels uncomfortable and scary. I have to do this not just for me but for all of us and you do too. The reason I have to do this is because it is in these hot, sweaty, glasses on moments that the real me gets to meet the real you. This is a special thing. This is the stuff that counts--this realness, this scary, uncomfortable, not expected, not how I wanted it really stuff is exactly what it is all about. I think the slogan Let Go, and Let God is really about this kind of. I have to give up my idea of how things are supposed to be (myself included) so that I can really embrace and appreciate exactly how things are. Amen to that. xx
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