Hi Friends,
Today is Tuesday. This past Friday there was another tragedy that impacted me. This one on a national scale, of course, the Sandy Hook Elementary School Shootings. The impact that this tragedy had on me was predictable since what parent didnt feel this on a primal level but also was sort of weird in how it intersected with my already broken heart. I felt like I was just starting to get back up and got knocked down again. I felt broken down by the tragedy, the pointlessness, the violence, the horror. What did happen for me is that it woke me back up to the very real notion that I am certainly not the only person to feel pain, to feel loss, to feel trauma. People all over the world and every single day feel these painful feelings and deal with not only loss similar to mine but sometimes far worse. When I thought of this I felt briefly determined to see my loss in the context of all of our lives that are each filled with our own unique, but equally painful, unexpected pain and loss. The danger it seems for me is to somehow make my pain unique and different when really it is not that unique, not that different.
Today I cried a lot. I dont know why. I thought I was doing better and then I just wasnt. The roller coaster quality of grief apparently is a fairly universal thing but really is hard to handle. Sometimes I feel like I am riding the mechanical bull of grief just holding on and hoping for the best. At some points I have felt sort of ok only to five minutes later get thrown off the bull. I find myself really just learning as I go. Trying to practice the principles I've learned in recovery and praying for the continuing willingness to work hard on not just surviving this but someday, somehow, growing from it.
When I looked in the mirror tonite I could see on my face the pain, the loss etched into my eyes. I would swear that I have not looked like myself since when this horror story really began sometime around my birthday in mid November. At first this made me feel bad but when I really think about, really take the time to consider it, I dont feel bad that that pain is there. Visible. I feel that this is me, this is my face, this is where I am at now. I am glad I am not Xanaxed into oblivion looking happy when inside I am breaking up. I am glad I am not drinking 4 martinis while explaining to a stranger that my Dad just died. I am glad that I look like I how I feel. I am glad I feel how
I feel.
The first step of AA that says, We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable. I would amend this, for me tonite, to say that I admitted I was powerless over my grief and that my life was becoming unmanageable. Of course the second step says, We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity, and third, Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him. That is where I am at. I making a decision right here tonite to give this loss, grief, sadness, anger, confusion to the God of my understanding. I've done enough damage to myself with it and now I think I am ready to turn it over. I know my Dad wouldnt want me dragging this stuff around either. I'll keep you posted on how it works out. xxK
Today is Tuesday. This past Friday there was another tragedy that impacted me. This one on a national scale, of course, the Sandy Hook Elementary School Shootings. The impact that this tragedy had on me was predictable since what parent didnt feel this on a primal level but also was sort of weird in how it intersected with my already broken heart. I felt like I was just starting to get back up and got knocked down again. I felt broken down by the tragedy, the pointlessness, the violence, the horror. What did happen for me is that it woke me back up to the very real notion that I am certainly not the only person to feel pain, to feel loss, to feel trauma. People all over the world and every single day feel these painful feelings and deal with not only loss similar to mine but sometimes far worse. When I thought of this I felt briefly determined to see my loss in the context of all of our lives that are each filled with our own unique, but equally painful, unexpected pain and loss. The danger it seems for me is to somehow make my pain unique and different when really it is not that unique, not that different.
Today I cried a lot. I dont know why. I thought I was doing better and then I just wasnt. The roller coaster quality of grief apparently is a fairly universal thing but really is hard to handle. Sometimes I feel like I am riding the mechanical bull of grief just holding on and hoping for the best. At some points I have felt sort of ok only to five minutes later get thrown off the bull. I find myself really just learning as I go. Trying to practice the principles I've learned in recovery and praying for the continuing willingness to work hard on not just surviving this but someday, somehow, growing from it.
When I looked in the mirror tonite I could see on my face the pain, the loss etched into my eyes. I would swear that I have not looked like myself since when this horror story really began sometime around my birthday in mid November. At first this made me feel bad but when I really think about, really take the time to consider it, I dont feel bad that that pain is there. Visible. I feel that this is me, this is my face, this is where I am at now. I am glad I am not Xanaxed into oblivion looking happy when inside I am breaking up. I am glad I am not drinking 4 martinis while explaining to a stranger that my Dad just died. I am glad that I look like I how I feel. I am glad I feel how
I feel.
The first step of AA that says, We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable. I would amend this, for me tonite, to say that I admitted I was powerless over my grief and that my life was becoming unmanageable. Of course the second step says, We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity, and third, Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him. That is where I am at. I making a decision right here tonite to give this loss, grief, sadness, anger, confusion to the God of my understanding. I've done enough damage to myself with it and now I think I am ready to turn it over. I know my Dad wouldnt want me dragging this stuff around either. I'll keep you posted on how it works out. xxK
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