Hi Friends,
Today is Sunday. Tomorrow I start a new job. I cant even believe the strange timing of having lost my Dad a week and three days ago and starting a new job tomorrow. I am glad to be returning to work though since I think I've proved to myself that I can feel my feelings and am thus ready to be distracted for 8 hours a day and hopefully feel less.
Lately I have just been feeling weird, good, bad, angry, confused, disconnected, connected. You name it and I have felt and then felt the opposite of it too--often in the same day and sometimes in the same hour. For a person who is pretty used to self analysis I finally have to throw in the towel and just let the feelings come and go. Trying to footnote each one and put it in a special spot just doesnt work and is exhausting. This was my epiphany today. I am totally fucked up and I am allowed to be and I am not going to get upset about it or judge myself. I am going to continue to honor the obligations and responsibilities that I have to myself and to my family but I am not going to hold myself to some crazy standard of emotional health--at least not in the next few weeks. I am going with feeling accomplished and (maybe even proud)when I am able to show up for my life and, so far, I have been showing up.
In the last ten days I have showed up for a lot of things that I might never have thought that I could if you had asked me before all of this. So when my friends or family is telling me that I am strong--I think quietly that I am not so much strong as just showing up. Maybe showing up is strong? Or maybe it is just what you do when you are a sober adult? Or maybe the showing up makes you strong? Perhaps this is it. Maybe I was not as strong last week as I am now? I have walked thru things in the last ten days that were painful, horrible, tragic. Have had to deal with the physicality of death--the death certificate, the autopsy, the medical examiner. And maybe even more strange I have had one of my greatest fears realized and I am still here. I did not dissolve, fall to pieces, or disappear. I am still here. I am still ok. I thought a long time ago that I would never be either of those things but I was wrong.
So what have I learned thru all of this? I have learned that 34,000 people a year kill themselves in this country. I have learned that on average 5-6 peoples lives are impacted by each person who takes their own life. I have learned that I am now one of those people and I am trying to figure out exactly what that means for me. I am not sure right now. I have learned that I am not alone and that I have amazing family and friends who have reached out to me and continue to amazing me at their warmth, affection, and empathy. I have learned that my kids actually hear what I am telling them since just yesterday my daughter said to me that I should think about the good things in my life (because she said I looked sad). When I told her that was pretty smart she said that I was silly since I told her that.
Finally, I have learned that speaking my truth makes me feel better and it truly never ceases to amaze me how often when I speak my own truth that someone else tells me theirs. To the persons who recently confided in me their own stories of suicide in their immediate family--I can only say thank you for being strong enough to share this. I will end this post by saying that my infinitely wise sponsor said these words to me when I said I was worried that I would not be able to get thru speaking at my Dads service without breaking down. She said--you are very connected to God. You have grace and dignity. You will do fine. It truly was one of the most perfect things that anyone has ever said not just because it helped me but because we ALL are this. Connected to a higher power and full of grace and dignity. xxxxK
Today is Sunday. Tomorrow I start a new job. I cant even believe the strange timing of having lost my Dad a week and three days ago and starting a new job tomorrow. I am glad to be returning to work though since I think I've proved to myself that I can feel my feelings and am thus ready to be distracted for 8 hours a day and hopefully feel less.
Lately I have just been feeling weird, good, bad, angry, confused, disconnected, connected. You name it and I have felt and then felt the opposite of it too--often in the same day and sometimes in the same hour. For a person who is pretty used to self analysis I finally have to throw in the towel and just let the feelings come and go. Trying to footnote each one and put it in a special spot just doesnt work and is exhausting. This was my epiphany today. I am totally fucked up and I am allowed to be and I am not going to get upset about it or judge myself. I am going to continue to honor the obligations and responsibilities that I have to myself and to my family but I am not going to hold myself to some crazy standard of emotional health--at least not in the next few weeks. I am going with feeling accomplished and (maybe even proud)when I am able to show up for my life and, so far, I have been showing up.
In the last ten days I have showed up for a lot of things that I might never have thought that I could if you had asked me before all of this. So when my friends or family is telling me that I am strong--I think quietly that I am not so much strong as just showing up. Maybe showing up is strong? Or maybe it is just what you do when you are a sober adult? Or maybe the showing up makes you strong? Perhaps this is it. Maybe I was not as strong last week as I am now? I have walked thru things in the last ten days that were painful, horrible, tragic. Have had to deal with the physicality of death--the death certificate, the autopsy, the medical examiner. And maybe even more strange I have had one of my greatest fears realized and I am still here. I did not dissolve, fall to pieces, or disappear. I am still here. I am still ok. I thought a long time ago that I would never be either of those things but I was wrong.
So what have I learned thru all of this? I have learned that 34,000 people a year kill themselves in this country. I have learned that on average 5-6 peoples lives are impacted by each person who takes their own life. I have learned that I am now one of those people and I am trying to figure out exactly what that means for me. I am not sure right now. I have learned that I am not alone and that I have amazing family and friends who have reached out to me and continue to amazing me at their warmth, affection, and empathy. I have learned that my kids actually hear what I am telling them since just yesterday my daughter said to me that I should think about the good things in my life (because she said I looked sad). When I told her that was pretty smart she said that I was silly since I told her that.
Finally, I have learned that speaking my truth makes me feel better and it truly never ceases to amaze me how often when I speak my own truth that someone else tells me theirs. To the persons who recently confided in me their own stories of suicide in their immediate family--I can only say thank you for being strong enough to share this. I will end this post by saying that my infinitely wise sponsor said these words to me when I said I was worried that I would not be able to get thru speaking at my Dads service without breaking down. She said--you are very connected to God. You have grace and dignity. You will do fine. It truly was one of the most perfect things that anyone has ever said not just because it helped me but because we ALL are this. Connected to a higher power and full of grace and dignity. xxxxK
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