Hi,
Tomorrow is my sober bday party. 9 years. I have such mixed feelings about this 9th year and have so many different and big emotions that I am a little, or maybe a lot, scared. I have this bad habit of narrating my own life events before they happen and then deciding exactly how I want it to be. I want to look pretty and grateful and humble and together. I want other sober people to think that they too, if they keep staying sober, will also be able to get my particular brand of pretty, grateful, humble, and, well, great. Deep down I know though that this year has sucked beyond compare. Has hurt too much. Has made me cry too much. Has made me behave badly too much. Yell, at my husband, yell at my kids, yell at my Mom...ok maybe not yell but a video would surely reveal moments of pain, strain, stress, not me at my best self or even close. Petty, tired, confused, bored, disappointed, agitated, self absorbed, lonely.
This was my 9th year sober.
It was not the years past. Grateful. Sober. It was not the first year where I glowed. Or the second where I glowed more. Or the third, engaged. Or the fourth, a baby! Or the fifth, a house and almost another baby. Or the the sixth, so tired. Or the seventh, a new state to live in, Or the eight, feeling more at home in said new state. No, the ninth was heart break. The ninth was loss.
I earned it. I am proud of myself but I am also scared. Scared of the reality and depth of my feelings. Scared of scaring other people. Scared I will disappoint myself and others with my lack of grace, or just brokenness. I still see it though, that maybe this 9th year was the year that defined my sobriety. The year I hung on. The year I was carried. The year that almost, but not quite, took me down and then didn't. Happy Sober Bday to myself. I admit it, I made me proud--even if my nose was running the entire time. xxK
Tomorrow is my sober bday party. 9 years. I have such mixed feelings about this 9th year and have so many different and big emotions that I am a little, or maybe a lot, scared. I have this bad habit of narrating my own life events before they happen and then deciding exactly how I want it to be. I want to look pretty and grateful and humble and together. I want other sober people to think that they too, if they keep staying sober, will also be able to get my particular brand of pretty, grateful, humble, and, well, great. Deep down I know though that this year has sucked beyond compare. Has hurt too much. Has made me cry too much. Has made me behave badly too much. Yell, at my husband, yell at my kids, yell at my Mom...ok maybe not yell but a video would surely reveal moments of pain, strain, stress, not me at my best self or even close. Petty, tired, confused, bored, disappointed, agitated, self absorbed, lonely.
This was my 9th year sober.
It was not the years past. Grateful. Sober. It was not the first year where I glowed. Or the second where I glowed more. Or the third, engaged. Or the fourth, a baby! Or the fifth, a house and almost another baby. Or the the sixth, so tired. Or the seventh, a new state to live in, Or the eight, feeling more at home in said new state. No, the ninth was heart break. The ninth was loss.
I earned it. I am proud of myself but I am also scared. Scared of the reality and depth of my feelings. Scared of scaring other people. Scared I will disappoint myself and others with my lack of grace, or just brokenness. I still see it though, that maybe this 9th year was the year that defined my sobriety. The year I hung on. The year I was carried. The year that almost, but not quite, took me down and then didn't. Happy Sober Bday to myself. I admit it, I made me proud--even if my nose was running the entire time. xxK
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