Hi All,
Well, I got thru my anniversary meeting without totally falling apart. I did have an amazing thing happen to me though and I need to share. I was sitting waiting for the meeting about to begin and I turned around and right sitting in a row behind me were these four men in the program, all sitting in a row, who had each privately told me about a suicide in their families that altered them. A father, a brother, a wife, and a failed suicide for himself. Each of these men had come to me and shared their pain and stories with me. Had reassured me at a time when I didn't know which way was up that I someday would. One of them said to me very sternly--"Stay away from the guilt kid, there is nothing there for you." Months later I understood just how wise these words were. A few of them gave me phone numbers and offered to speak with me whenever I wanted, if I wanted, about how I was feeling. Each of them made me feel that I was not alone and that I could stay sober even if my Dad had taken his life, even if it was traumatic, even if it hurt, even if it hurt a lot.
Seeing these men sitting there, behind me, I felt suddenly and for the first time in a very long long time that I was right where I was supposed to be. I felt that I had ended up in this place, with these people, for a reason and that I was safe and loved. It was such a strong and powerful feeling that I almost began to cry. I felt that each of them had been sent to me for a specific reason and that they were and are a fundamental part of my healing. I felt that our pain, shared, was manageable.
And this feeling of togetherness. This sense that our pain brought us together, united us, and healed us...this made me feel lighter, made me feel hopeful, made me understand something. That we need to share our pain with each other not just because it is unhealthy to hold it in but because when we do that it connects us in a deep and powerful way. These men are my people. They are my family in the world of understanding a pain that is sometimes complicated, isolating, confusing. Their presence soothes me and holds me together. No, life is not easy and No, this year was not easy and it scared me and it hurt me and it did not go how I wanted and I didn't say or do what I wished I had and half of the time I am just hanging on and looking over at them and believing that if they can do it, then so can I. And maybe that just this...this hanging on and looking to others to show us how to do it. Maybe this is what it is all about. xxK
Well, I got thru my anniversary meeting without totally falling apart. I did have an amazing thing happen to me though and I need to share. I was sitting waiting for the meeting about to begin and I turned around and right sitting in a row behind me were these four men in the program, all sitting in a row, who had each privately told me about a suicide in their families that altered them. A father, a brother, a wife, and a failed suicide for himself. Each of these men had come to me and shared their pain and stories with me. Had reassured me at a time when I didn't know which way was up that I someday would. One of them said to me very sternly--"Stay away from the guilt kid, there is nothing there for you." Months later I understood just how wise these words were. A few of them gave me phone numbers and offered to speak with me whenever I wanted, if I wanted, about how I was feeling. Each of them made me feel that I was not alone and that I could stay sober even if my Dad had taken his life, even if it was traumatic, even if it hurt, even if it hurt a lot.
Seeing these men sitting there, behind me, I felt suddenly and for the first time in a very long long time that I was right where I was supposed to be. I felt that I had ended up in this place, with these people, for a reason and that I was safe and loved. It was such a strong and powerful feeling that I almost began to cry. I felt that each of them had been sent to me for a specific reason and that they were and are a fundamental part of my healing. I felt that our pain, shared, was manageable.
And this feeling of togetherness. This sense that our pain brought us together, united us, and healed us...this made me feel lighter, made me feel hopeful, made me understand something. That we need to share our pain with each other not just because it is unhealthy to hold it in but because when we do that it connects us in a deep and powerful way. These men are my people. They are my family in the world of understanding a pain that is sometimes complicated, isolating, confusing. Their presence soothes me and holds me together. No, life is not easy and No, this year was not easy and it scared me and it hurt me and it did not go how I wanted and I didn't say or do what I wished I had and half of the time I am just hanging on and looking over at them and believing that if they can do it, then so can I. And maybe that just this...this hanging on and looking to others to show us how to do it. Maybe this is what it is all about. xxK
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