hi all, now that i am done school i am finding the energy and time to write again. usually i am writing after i work. just to fill you in, i work at a residential rehab for teens and usually i work at night. anyway, tonite was a good night. nothing bad happened and a few good things happened. i got thinking on my way home (which was beautiful bc of full moon) about maybe trying to make it work there. so instead of looking for a new place to work that maybe i would want to try to make it work at this place. i started my usual dreaming up redecorating, remodeling, restaffing, retraining etc. i started thinking that maybe i should actually talk to someone there about my thoughts. i mean worst case scenario they dont like them. it is funny how so much of what i think and dream--i just discard by the wayside assuming it is impossible when maybe it is not.
i got thinking also about how helping kids with substance abuse problems is so healing. i wondered what it would be like to have adults new in recovery workign with kids? or recovering with them. i know it would be messy but i wonder if it might not also be inspiring and help people feel hopeful--a feeling that is so important for all recovery--right? hope. such a simple word but one that is not always easy to ignite in people, particularly in people who feel physically awful, and may or may not have ruined some or all of their closest relationships.
i read that Dr Bob said that the foundation of AA was love and service. sometimes it seems we've strayed so far from that kind of simplicity. if we could just focus on love and service--maybe just maybe we really all will be ok. another night i end writing and not drinking. happy and not sad. more ok then not ok. miracles do happen. xxK
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
...
Hi all. Just home from work which was ok. Spent time talking to kids at work about how being fake and getting along with people you dont like are different things. Spent next 1.5h wondering if this is actually true. Spent entire ride home rethinking my career choices, my life, and what it means to be "in recovery." Had same feeling that I usaully do that it is complicated and that we cant spend every minute of our days happy and content but I admit to wondering if my endless self-analysis isnt part of the problem. Had conversation today where I had to admit that sometimes my continual obsession w/ myself, my thoughts, my recovery, my life, my philosophy, my lack of philosophy, my non-religion, my spirituality or not, my stance on psychotropic meds, my new meds, my old meds, the difference in meds, the possibility i dont need meds, my family history, my family story, my family in general etc is the problem. Then realize that over simplifying my life to one "problem" is part of the ongoing problem.
Then I re-read the above and cant believe that this is a recovery blog and I continually sound unstable and just downright weird. I realize my last post was a letter to my therapist which I cant send to him but somehow can publish to the universe no problem. I dotn want to mislead anyone into thinking that everyone in recovery has this many contridictory thoughts. Many dont. I dont want anyone to think that if you get sober you have analyze yourself constantly. You dont. Many people seem happy or happier in fact that dont do this so much. So the dislcaimer is that I have always been like this. I have more clarity sober so I think the results are better but generally this is me.
I hope I dont freak you out if you are reading and not sure about recovery. My life is amazing, precious, mundane, fucked up, and then perfect all at once and most of the time. I keep thinking that I'll find the right book, pill, spiritual guru, tea, friend, job that will somehow end the searching but I have moments (like tonite) where I realize that deep down I have to admit to knowing that there is no one solution to life. That life is both simple and complex--that recovery is the same, relatioships the same, parenting is the same. The trick for me is to know this and hold it all at once---the simple with the complex, the good with the bad, the contedness with the ambition. To just hold onto it all and feel it and see it and not be afraid. Heres to another sober night. Thanks for sharing it with me. xxK
Then I re-read the above and cant believe that this is a recovery blog and I continually sound unstable and just downright weird. I realize my last post was a letter to my therapist which I cant send to him but somehow can publish to the universe no problem. I dotn want to mislead anyone into thinking that everyone in recovery has this many contridictory thoughts. Many dont. I dont want anyone to think that if you get sober you have analyze yourself constantly. You dont. Many people seem happy or happier in fact that dont do this so much. So the dislcaimer is that I have always been like this. I have more clarity sober so I think the results are better but generally this is me.
I hope I dont freak you out if you are reading and not sure about recovery. My life is amazing, precious, mundane, fucked up, and then perfect all at once and most of the time. I keep thinking that I'll find the right book, pill, spiritual guru, tea, friend, job that will somehow end the searching but I have moments (like tonite) where I realize that deep down I have to admit to knowing that there is no one solution to life. That life is both simple and complex--that recovery is the same, relatioships the same, parenting is the same. The trick for me is to know this and hold it all at once---the simple with the complex, the good with the bad, the contedness with the ambition. To just hold onto it all and feel it and see it and not be afraid. Heres to another sober night. Thanks for sharing it with me. xxK
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Dear Tom
On the off chance that you--(my old counselor from VT who guided me thru 5 yrs of sobriety) ever reads this blog--this letter is for you...
Dear Tom,
I just wanted to say thank you for helping me learn how to be a healthy person. I wanted to thank you for never cancelling our appointments, for never laughing at me, or making me feel bad about things I have done or wanted to do. I want to thank you for helping me evaluate my thinking. I want to thank you for not telling me what to do and for making me feel strong and smart and independent. Mostly though I just want to thank you for reminding me each and every session that I was ok and that I was getting stronger. I still think of you often and hear your voice telling me positive things about myself. Sometimes it makes me laugh out loud bc it feels like a Woody Allen movie with my therapist actually living in my head. For the record, I have thought many times about calling you or writing but somehow that feels invasive or wrong or just too hard.
Tonite I finished the education portion of being a certified substance abouse counselor in NY state. I hope someday I can help other people like you helped me.
All the best to you,
Karen
Dear Tom,
I just wanted to say thank you for helping me learn how to be a healthy person. I wanted to thank you for never cancelling our appointments, for never laughing at me, or making me feel bad about things I have done or wanted to do. I want to thank you for helping me evaluate my thinking. I want to thank you for not telling me what to do and for making me feel strong and smart and independent. Mostly though I just want to thank you for reminding me each and every session that I was ok and that I was getting stronger. I still think of you often and hear your voice telling me positive things about myself. Sometimes it makes me laugh out loud bc it feels like a Woody Allen movie with my therapist actually living in my head. For the record, I have thought many times about calling you or writing but somehow that feels invasive or wrong or just too hard.
Tonite I finished the education portion of being a certified substance abouse counselor in NY state. I hope someday I can help other people like you helped me.
All the best to you,
Karen
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Not a higher power--a wider power...
Just for the record the title of this blog is not mine--I mean I didnt think of it myself. I heard it at a meeting and I fell in love with the idea. This little/big idea really solved a huge dilemma for me. I have always hated the idea of higher power. It just felt weird and wrong to me. The idea of a wider power--a power that runs thru us and connects us all--that is an idea I can get behind. Also, it makes me feel good to think about spirtuality this way--as a force that does not divide us but connects us.
This past Sunday I went to a meeting that is quickly becoming better then therapy for me. The person who was speaking talked about how he never wants to drink or do drugs again bc he wants to feel all of his life (i am paraphrasing here)--feel all of his feelings the highs and the lows. He said he didnt want to dull the feelings with drugs or alcohol. This idea also really helped me. For some reason my brain likes to tell me that alcohol or drugs somehow enhances feelings but the reality is that, for me, they do not do this at all. They distort, numb, twist and basically change everything. My sense of wanting to "enhance" is actually just me trying to control my feelings for the good or the bad. It is sick thinking. Old thinking. Familiar thinking.
Sometimes I hate how twisted I can still get. I wish I could be a different person--a person who is and appears highly together. A person who never looks undone. A person who never is undone. I think about who I really am. A person who is trying to be a good person. At the meeting this man talked about wanting one thing in life--to just be a good person. I am not sure why but I loved this idea. Of jsut wanting to be good. Of just wanting to do the right thing.
It is hard sometimes these changes. SOmetimes I just feel weird and I miss the parties, the recklessness, the odd mix of elation and despair--but of course I do. I am basically hard wired to miss those things. And it is ok. It is ok to miss things that were bad for me, people that were bad for me. It is ok to remember who I used to be--as long as I stay who I am... xxK
This past Sunday I went to a meeting that is quickly becoming better then therapy for me. The person who was speaking talked about how he never wants to drink or do drugs again bc he wants to feel all of his life (i am paraphrasing here)--feel all of his feelings the highs and the lows. He said he didnt want to dull the feelings with drugs or alcohol. This idea also really helped me. For some reason my brain likes to tell me that alcohol or drugs somehow enhances feelings but the reality is that, for me, they do not do this at all. They distort, numb, twist and basically change everything. My sense of wanting to "enhance" is actually just me trying to control my feelings for the good or the bad. It is sick thinking. Old thinking. Familiar thinking.
Sometimes I hate how twisted I can still get. I wish I could be a different person--a person who is and appears highly together. A person who never looks undone. A person who never is undone. I think about who I really am. A person who is trying to be a good person. At the meeting this man talked about wanting one thing in life--to just be a good person. I am not sure why but I loved this idea. Of jsut wanting to be good. Of just wanting to do the right thing.
It is hard sometimes these changes. SOmetimes I just feel weird and I miss the parties, the recklessness, the odd mix of elation and despair--but of course I do. I am basically hard wired to miss those things. And it is ok. It is ok to miss things that were bad for me, people that were bad for me. It is ok to remember who I used to be--as long as I stay who I am... xxK
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Memorial Day Wknd
Ok, so here it is. The truth. Unabridged. Memorial Day weekend makes me want to drink. Not always but usually. I know all of the stuff that you can say back to me about how it is a miracle that I dont always want to drink, how I should be grateful, how lucky I am that I got the gift of recovery. All of this is true. I am lucky. I am grateful. I still want a drink sometimes. Ok, not a drink. Many drinks. Memorial Day makes me want to be at a picnic somewhere very rustic and preppy and wear navy blue and bright yellow and drink white wine and bbq. Memorial Day makes me want to be near the Ocean and drink beer, really cold in bright red big plastic cups and smoke cigarettes and be selfish and self absorbed and sun burned and wear jean shorts and flip flops. Memorial Day wknd makes me nostalgic. This nostalgia is interesting because what I am nostalgic for I am not sure I ever really had. A nice crisp buzz that didnt turn sloppy, ugly, embarassing or drunk. A drink or two. Once again I fall prey to every alcholics worst enemy--the idea of being a normal drinker and enjoying alcohol without any consequences. I could feel relaxed, giggly, warm all over and then just stop drinking. I mourn this idea nearly every early summer and it is sad and hard and stupid all at once.
Being self centered I admit to sometimes thinking about just going for it. I tell myself that I'd get back to recovery because I was never that self destructive anyway. I tell myself that I would just take a little free ride. Blame it on my disease and then return to my life humbled, with that glass of wine, shot of tequila, cold Stella, glass of Johnny Walker Black-- out of my system and move on. A good story to tell. I tell myself I'd be more interesting. I say--all alcholics relapse at some point. I imagine my own story revised with a wknd or week long relapse inserted for drama and credibility. I imagine myself stronger and more sober following my research. I dont imagine the embarassment, hurt, pain, shame, low self esteem, sickness, and then all of the other awful potentials the scenario could cause. I dont imagine that ever. I am a good alcoholic. I keep it simple. I dont imagine that that drink could be the end forever of my sobriety. I dont imagine that I might try over and over after that to stay sober and in the process destroy my family, my friends, my life. I dont imagine the real thing. I gloss it over, make it pretty, keep it simple.
After I am done making myself crazy--I tell you all. I see all of my distortions. I feel sorry for myself. Then, as usual, I stop. I look around. I get a small little glimmer of hope...I think about how I will talk to someone at the meeting tonite abotu this. I think, yes, I can have a cigarette if I really want. I think yes, I can have a drink if I really want. I remind myself that no one has taken anything away from me. I remind myself that all of my choices are mine--to make or not. I remind myself that sobriety is freedom. I remember that when I drink--I dont get to decide. I feel lucky. I feel grateful. I dont want to give up my freedom. It is easy to take for granted because I've had it now for a while but it is also easy to lose. I dont want to go back to needing to pick restaurants, friends, sports, hotels, vacations, jobs based on my ability to drink or not.
So, for today--I choose not to drink. Just for today, I choose to keep my choices. To maintain my freedom. I choose to embrace my sometimes hard, sometimes easy, sometimes complicated, sometimes sad, often happy and generally good life. One day at a time--I think I'll make it thru another Memorial Day Weekend. xxK
Being self centered I admit to sometimes thinking about just going for it. I tell myself that I'd get back to recovery because I was never that self destructive anyway. I tell myself that I would just take a little free ride. Blame it on my disease and then return to my life humbled, with that glass of wine, shot of tequila, cold Stella, glass of Johnny Walker Black-- out of my system and move on. A good story to tell. I tell myself I'd be more interesting. I say--all alcholics relapse at some point. I imagine my own story revised with a wknd or week long relapse inserted for drama and credibility. I imagine myself stronger and more sober following my research. I dont imagine the embarassment, hurt, pain, shame, low self esteem, sickness, and then all of the other awful potentials the scenario could cause. I dont imagine that ever. I am a good alcoholic. I keep it simple. I dont imagine that that drink could be the end forever of my sobriety. I dont imagine that I might try over and over after that to stay sober and in the process destroy my family, my friends, my life. I dont imagine the real thing. I gloss it over, make it pretty, keep it simple.
After I am done making myself crazy--I tell you all. I see all of my distortions. I feel sorry for myself. Then, as usual, I stop. I look around. I get a small little glimmer of hope...I think about how I will talk to someone at the meeting tonite abotu this. I think, yes, I can have a cigarette if I really want. I think yes, I can have a drink if I really want. I remind myself that no one has taken anything away from me. I remind myself that all of my choices are mine--to make or not. I remind myself that sobriety is freedom. I remember that when I drink--I dont get to decide. I feel lucky. I feel grateful. I dont want to give up my freedom. It is easy to take for granted because I've had it now for a while but it is also easy to lose. I dont want to go back to needing to pick restaurants, friends, sports, hotels, vacations, jobs based on my ability to drink or not.
So, for today--I choose not to drink. Just for today, I choose to keep my choices. To maintain my freedom. I choose to embrace my sometimes hard, sometimes easy, sometimes complicated, sometimes sad, often happy and generally good life. One day at a time--I think I'll make it thru another Memorial Day Weekend. xxK
Friday, April 29, 2011
Seven Years later
Hi friends. It is hard to find time to write lately but here I am and I am going to give it a go. I keep wanting to write the perfect post for my 7y anniversary which has now come and gone but I just realized in this moment that perfection is an old bad habit that I need to just discard. Now. I'm honestly not even sure what it is all about except being mean to myself and procrastinating. What old bad habits they are...
So, here I am, seven years sober. I can hardly believe it. I had the opportunity last night to talk to someone who is having a hard time, struggling, living with active addiction. It gave me a lot to think about and to be grateful for. What makes some people get sober. What keeps some people drinking. No one really knows. I guess there are lots of theories and books and experts but the truth is that if anyone really knew they'd be millionaires and everyone who had alchol or drug problems would be cured. We just dont know. What I do know is about my own journey, my own struggles, and my own recovery which continues and evolves.
For me and me alone--I had to learn to love myself. I have to continue to learn to love myself every single day. I lost myself when I began drinking as a teenager. I sort of lost myself before I found myself if that makes any sense. I mean if you are drinking heavily when you are supposed to be growing up--what happens. I ended up growing around and thru my drinking like some weird tree that has to grow all contorted around another tree. The branches get all strange and moved but they grow and the grow anyway. Part of this process for me has been taking an honest look and how I grew and why. Where did I bend and twist and why. Sometimes it means trying to unbend. Sometimes it meant in the beginning having to break off some old branches that were dead anyway and just weighing me down.
It is not easy always but it is endlessly interesting, exciting, and often startling beautiful. This crazy life. I do so much better when I let it unfold. When I stop asking the people around me to be who I want or what I need. When I let them be themselves and then let myself be me free from thinking about them or what should be then I feel something remarkable. Freedom. Gratitude. A life that is powerful and full of love and grace.
Just today as I was lamenting my not enough time to write, not enough time to shower, not enough...I stopped myself. I thought about it. Shit, I could write right now while I spend all of this time thinking about why I cant. I can do anything I want. My crazy brain just likes me to feel sorry for myself, my crazy brain wants me to feel victimzed. Lucky for me there is another part of myself that is getting stronger and smarter. I am learning to outsmart myself.
I wrote today because I realized I could. All of that complaining, whining, feeling that things were not right for me to do what I wanted...I dont know where it came from but it disappeared when I started doing what I wanted. As I was writing my daughter came out and handed me a picture she had drawn of our house. I asked what kind of house is this? She said, It is our house. I said what kind of house is our house? She said, without pausing, a happy house. And that is sobriety to me.
xxk
So, here I am, seven years sober. I can hardly believe it. I had the opportunity last night to talk to someone who is having a hard time, struggling, living with active addiction. It gave me a lot to think about and to be grateful for. What makes some people get sober. What keeps some people drinking. No one really knows. I guess there are lots of theories and books and experts but the truth is that if anyone really knew they'd be millionaires and everyone who had alchol or drug problems would be cured. We just dont know. What I do know is about my own journey, my own struggles, and my own recovery which continues and evolves.
For me and me alone--I had to learn to love myself. I have to continue to learn to love myself every single day. I lost myself when I began drinking as a teenager. I sort of lost myself before I found myself if that makes any sense. I mean if you are drinking heavily when you are supposed to be growing up--what happens. I ended up growing around and thru my drinking like some weird tree that has to grow all contorted around another tree. The branches get all strange and moved but they grow and the grow anyway. Part of this process for me has been taking an honest look and how I grew and why. Where did I bend and twist and why. Sometimes it means trying to unbend. Sometimes it meant in the beginning having to break off some old branches that were dead anyway and just weighing me down.
It is not easy always but it is endlessly interesting, exciting, and often startling beautiful. This crazy life. I do so much better when I let it unfold. When I stop asking the people around me to be who I want or what I need. When I let them be themselves and then let myself be me free from thinking about them or what should be then I feel something remarkable. Freedom. Gratitude. A life that is powerful and full of love and grace.
Just today as I was lamenting my not enough time to write, not enough time to shower, not enough...I stopped myself. I thought about it. Shit, I could write right now while I spend all of this time thinking about why I cant. I can do anything I want. My crazy brain just likes me to feel sorry for myself, my crazy brain wants me to feel victimzed. Lucky for me there is another part of myself that is getting stronger and smarter. I am learning to outsmart myself.
I wrote today because I realized I could. All of that complaining, whining, feeling that things were not right for me to do what I wanted...I dont know where it came from but it disappeared when I started doing what I wanted. As I was writing my daughter came out and handed me a picture she had drawn of our house. I asked what kind of house is this? She said, It is our house. I said what kind of house is our house? She said, without pausing, a happy house. And that is sobriety to me.
xxk
Sunday, March 27, 2011
swimming back to the surface
hi friends. it has been so long since i have written anything. so much to say. it is actually hard to know where to begin and what to include. so, i stopped writing for a while because i was getting pretty depressed. that might be evident from reading this though i havent gone back and reread my old posts to see if i can see it. since this blog is essentially about my recovery, i am happy to report that despite getting gloomy and sad i remained sober and ultimately grateful throughout my time away from the blog.
what happened is that my mood seemed to get a little worse everyday in very small increments so that i really didnt realize it was a problem until i was kind of--on the bottom of my life staring up. this has never really happened to me before (in sobriety) and so i guess it caught me off guard. yes, i have struggled with worrying, anxiety, over thinking but this was more just depression. maybe all that anxiety and over thinking just got the best of me. i dont know...all i can really say is thank god for professionals and self awareness.
what i did about it was that i went to a doctor. i got (new) medecine. i got a therapist around here (despite my misgivings about anyone besides my old therapist in vermont). then i took the medecine as prescribed. then i went to the therapist as suggested. then i waited. then i began to finally sleep again...no more 1am posts. and then i began to feel as though someone had liftd a 100lb weight off of my shoulders. now i feel like there is space again between my thoughts and, yes, worries. there is room for me to move them around and insert optimism as needed or recovery or air. what it is not anymore is unmanageable.
it is hard sometimes, for me, in recovery to admit when i dont know the answers or how to get from a to b. i want to know what i need because i often do and because i like that feeling of competency and empowerment. what i learned thru this though is that it is ok to not have a clue and ok to figure it out with other people and ok for those other people to be trained professionals--who are objective, and educated, and above all kind. i honestly dont know where i'd be today without my nice family nurse practioner--who i barely knew--who made me feel normal and hopeful when i sat in her office and almost cried. also for my super smart and kind new therapist who gives me homework that makes sense and keeps me focused on how i can change the things i dont like or arent working.
mostly, though i just am just glad to be getting back to myself. it took so long to find myself thru my journey with alcohol--it is funny to think that i lost myself again and totally sober. anyway, i am well on my way back to the surface and can see and feel the light that i knew deep down was there all along. xxk
what happened is that my mood seemed to get a little worse everyday in very small increments so that i really didnt realize it was a problem until i was kind of--on the bottom of my life staring up. this has never really happened to me before (in sobriety) and so i guess it caught me off guard. yes, i have struggled with worrying, anxiety, over thinking but this was more just depression. maybe all that anxiety and over thinking just got the best of me. i dont know...all i can really say is thank god for professionals and self awareness.
what i did about it was that i went to a doctor. i got (new) medecine. i got a therapist around here (despite my misgivings about anyone besides my old therapist in vermont). then i took the medecine as prescribed. then i went to the therapist as suggested. then i waited. then i began to finally sleep again...no more 1am posts. and then i began to feel as though someone had liftd a 100lb weight off of my shoulders. now i feel like there is space again between my thoughts and, yes, worries. there is room for me to move them around and insert optimism as needed or recovery or air. what it is not anymore is unmanageable.
it is hard sometimes, for me, in recovery to admit when i dont know the answers or how to get from a to b. i want to know what i need because i often do and because i like that feeling of competency and empowerment. what i learned thru this though is that it is ok to not have a clue and ok to figure it out with other people and ok for those other people to be trained professionals--who are objective, and educated, and above all kind. i honestly dont know where i'd be today without my nice family nurse practioner--who i barely knew--who made me feel normal and hopeful when i sat in her office and almost cried. also for my super smart and kind new therapist who gives me homework that makes sense and keeps me focused on how i can change the things i dont like or arent working.
mostly, though i just am just glad to be getting back to myself. it took so long to find myself thru my journey with alcohol--it is funny to think that i lost myself again and totally sober. anyway, i am well on my way back to the surface and can see and feel the light that i knew deep down was there all along. xxk
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)