F*ck. I just reread my last post which I published today but actually wrote mostly a few days ago. Suffice to say I have not exactly been practicing what I preach. Today my family went to a really nice little girl's birthday party. I really like the little girl and the little girl's mom so it was a cool occasion. In anycase, upon arriving at 2yr old girl bday party all is cool, very few people are there. Then...the moms arrive. One after another a different mom with more kids arrive. Something happened in my DNA, I just started feeling, I dont know--inadequate? These women w/ some pretty well dressed little girls were all nice enough but somehow I just didnt feel part of. I am a mom and I have a little girl so I am not sure how or why I didnt feel included but felt, different. THe party was still fun and my kids had fun and all was cool. Except that on my way home I just was consumed. Literally felt consumed by envy and then all of the fear was right behind.
Will I ever have a granite countertop? Will I ever have stainless steel appliances? Will my daughter ever not cry during Happy Birthday. Dumb shit to think about. Seriously stupid. Where does it come from? This comparison between my life and other people's life? My inside to their outsides. It is all wrong.
Then once my brain was off and running, I just started spinning out on every fear I could think of. I was on a serious negative thinking roll. I think I got out of it by the time I actually got home but wtf? I feel like a child sometimes. I wish I could just get it together and feel like a grown up. Where is my faith when my fear jumps in. I just dont know. Maybe it really is time to get up early and run before my brain runs away from my completely...xx
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