that i am devoting another page to fear should be no surpise to anyone who knows me or reads this. fear has been a major influence in my life. i hate to admit that but it is true. the trueness of it makes it a little painful. fear of people not liking me, fear of not being good enough, fear of failing, fear of succeeding, you name it and it feels like i have been afraid of it at some point. fear of driving. fear of not driving. so today and some of yesterday i have been in the belly of the beast to some extent. i feel stuck and like i cant get out despite writing which usually helps. of course this scares me too. i should explain, my family is on the brink of a major move to another state. i am terrified. so scared that the little and comfortable life that i have found in vermont will somehow be ripped out from under me and i will find myself alone and scared with no one to talk to and nothing that feels like home. on good days i see this move as an amazing opportunity to meet new people and learn new things--to go back to school--to move forward. on days like yesterday and today i just see the potential for loss.
i dont like the part of myself that lives with so much fear about the unknown. it paralyzes me and causes me to continue to do the same things over and over without trying new things without taking risks. i know this and yet just when i think i have the fear licked something happens and i am scared again. i dont want to live like this anymore and i know i have a choice. i just cant find it. it is like being stuck in a dark and strange room. i know there is a doorknob somewhere but i have to keep grasping around for it and hope eventually i'll find it. maybe what i really need to be grasping for is a light switch so i can see what is going on. maybe the light switch is faith. maybe feeling connected to a higher power and other people makes things less scary. makes the world open up and not close down.
that i am determined to find the light switch or door knob is certain. that i feel stuck and unclear about where to go next is the problem. my husband recommends exercise. and maybe he is on the right track. move a muscle. change a thought?
Karen,
ReplyDeleteI like your blog. Carrying on a dialogue with yourself is such a wonderful mode of inquiry and a great practice....much of what you report makes me think of the buddhist notion that we are not our thoughts rather we are the witness of our thoughts....reality is one thing ....our thoughts are another....I look forward to reading more... Allen