well. it has been a while since my last post or at least the last post that i completed and published. i was ridiculously busy for a while back there and now things have mellowed out a little and i find myself...a little restless. yes, i'll say it first here. i am a drama queen. i am. i used to deny this or find the idea revolting but i think this is just evidence of the whole the truth hurts thing. but for as much as this truth hurts it does also set me free a little. now i know. granted, this revealation took a while but like all good revealations lets assume that they just come exactly when they are supposed to. i have to say it--cliche as it is--when the student is ready the teacher appears.
here i am. ready. now where the f*ck is my teacher? i have a vision of some shaven hairless zen female monk somewhere who is just waiting for me to figure out that the path to happiness is not lined with one drama after another and then out of nowhere she'll appear to steer me in the very moderate and blissfully serene direction. yet even as i write this i think--is there lots of coffee in the serene direction? can i still be passionate about social injustice, poverty, recovery, education, food? i am assuming the answer is yes but i admit to not totally getting it. on the one hand i sort of know that a more moderate approach to life makes sense but on the other hand i feel like part of me, being me, is well...being somewhat extreme in some areas. there are nicer ways of saying it. passionate. intense. but we all know what we mean. a little on the dramatic side. i little prone to the adrenaline rush that comes from being in the epicenter of life--and not gentle easy life. hardcore and intense human emotions seem to really make me happy. i feel at home. powerful reality. i feel at home when thing are really really messy and intense.
where i dont feel at home is, well, on the moderate, even, gentle side of things. i feel pretty bored. pretty disinterested. i feel basically nothing like myself. then i feel self loathing bc i get it. i get that i cant enjoy (or at least fully enjoy) the easy, good, day to day stuff that seems like it really makes other people happy. my kids do help in this area bc they seem to pack a magical punch into the mundane but they go to sleep at seven or eight and then i am back to me. back to looking for some action. on some nice easy days i can tolerate or even enjoy this part of the day and then on other nights i find myself uncomfortable with this downtime.
lately, i have been reading some thich nhat hanh again bc somehow it helps me. brings me back to myself and away from my own constant monologue. reminds me that life involves both suffering and happiness. reminds me to smile. reminds me that the most effective peace work begins with making peace with ourselves. that being said, i am going to try to accept all of me. the good, the bad, and the dramatic. xx
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