it is the afternoon and i am writing. i am listening to joni mitchell and i just made bolognese sauce--how bad can things be? really? i took some personal time today to accomplish some errands related to my daughters 3rd birthday (which is tomorrow). i dont often take this time and i have to say that i feel pretty good about it. is it possible that half my problem is just not having enough time? could it be that simple?
the last few days i've been in an official thinking funk. just thinking wrong, negative. lazy thinking. some might say thinking like i was drinking but i dont even think so...more like thinking like a tired sober person which might be close to the same? not sure. today i had a somewhat rare moment of actually hearing myself think and paying attention to it. i heard myself saying this (to myself)--i think i might be getting depressed, i cant get out of it, things are not going to get easier-- they are going to get harder, i am screwed. then it hit me. wtf am i saying to myself. would i say this to anyone? i consider myself a pretty optimistic person. i would never think--let alone say--that things are bound to only get worse. and yet to myself i say these things. these negative, self defeating things i tell myself. no, i dont say them outloud but i might as well. shit, it might even help to hear it. then i could realize how crazy it is. eventually i can convince myself that this stuff is true. i can seriously convince myself of almost anything. i could be a lawyer with how persuasive i can be with myself.
so today i am choosing to work on persuading myself to think positive. i am going to be vigilant with these automatic negative thoughts and i am going to squash them with a giant size mental foam hammer when they pop up. these thoughts are my enemy and they got to go, bc they are taking up the space that i need for my new solid, disciplined, positive thinking.
i want to say that i am sorry for anyone who reads this with any regularity since i know i tend to hit the same topics over and over. negative thinking being a big topic lately. i guess i am a pretty slow learner and this is where i try to learn or relearn or self correct. someone once asked me a year or so ago what i thought my special talent was--it took me forever to think of anything. then i finally realized--i may fall but goddamn can i bounce back. i am a really good bouncer. heres to us all bouncing back. xx
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