sunday night w/ the oscars. carpentar ants. house full of coughs from different rooms. and me losing my mind over not one but a whole host of different fears i've created and continue to play thru while the rest of the house sleeps. my sons cough will be found to be something serious which will wind me up in a childrens hospital forever. my daughters uti will be linked to the coffee i drank when i was nursing. my sons cough will be linked to the soap, detergent, milk, non-organic bananas that i choose. my daughters uti will be linked to the vast amount of cereal, mac n cheese and microwave pancakes that she eats. everything will be my fault. my wrong choices. my lack of information. i think my last blog was about accepting not being in the drivers seat. f*ck.
when i was still drinking i had panic attacks, mild social anxiety, dysthmia, and my personal favorite--obsessive thought disorder. or as my husband likes to joke, otd. what all of these diagnoses had in common was that they were given to me at a time in my life when any or all of them would probably have applied--when i was still using alcohol to cope with any and all discomfort that i felt and when i consistently felt not ok. broken. the labels were irrlevant but the desire to find the problem was constant. i felt sort of perpetually not really right. broken.
this is relevant now bc i can pretty easily go back there. feel--wrong. worry my kids are broken or wrong too. it takes a lot of work for me to realize that neither of those things are true--at least not right now. all is ok. i'll write it again...all is ok. three little words but so hard to internalize sometimes, so hard to remember. i dont know if i like the drama? feed off the insanity or just am pretty hard wired to worry. the point is that when the worrying starts--it is tough to stop.
last night i lay in bed worrying about a pretty minor test my daughter needs to have this week. i resisted the urge to one more time google the test in some sort of crazy information seeking frenzy--which would inevitably lead to me finding the worst possible case scenario and then reading a blog written for parents of child with said problem. this sort of late night google fest/ weird hypochondria like freak out could go on as long as an hour until something inside would tell me to stop and like magic--i'd x out of the box and return to attempt to sleep. then sit and wonder why sleep is so fucking hard. inevitably i'll be looking for a sleeping pill at 2am and being pissed that i waited so long bc know i'll be drowsy at 6. w/out the pill i may not sleep at all though and so i assess drowsy as better then totally unrested and split the pill in half while silently reminding myself that i cant take another for a while bc this shit is not really my best choice given my already much blogged about addiction issues.
what to do? i dont know. for tonite, after my blog, i will try to imagine the best possible case scenarios for all things for my children and focus on them until i sleep. i will do this with such discipline and effort that buddha himself would be impressed. i will do this bc i know i have to. i know my brain needs a new path, a new road and i know i need to go over and over this path until my brain goes there instead of google or (worse) web md.
thanks for listening--again--it really does help to write it down. makes me laugh out loud sometimes. xx
You reminded me of when my girls were 7 and 1. I bought a whole bunch of seed packets and decided to start gardening. I read the directions on the back of the Nasturtiums packet and almost had a seizure when I read "thrives in poor soil"--I did a double take, and started to cry. I ran inside and wrote a poem about nasturtiums, and fervently prayed that my children were nasturtiums and could thrive in the toxic ground I had provided. I second guessed so many things then, and continued to agonize over all my choices and indecisions for years. Maybe it's only because I can't change anything now, but I am starting to take the long view. I'm starting to believe my garden wasn't as toxic a I feared-- and children are a forgiving and resilient medium for parents' learning. They really are nasturtiums and we can't and need not control everything. They find the sun, they find the nutrients they need. Maybe more pertinent to your comments, each person is his or her own self and what a parent does or fails to do is not the central event for them. They are moving according to their own lights and are designed to survive, and thrive, just as you did. I think this may be more of a response to an earlier post of yours, but it's all connected. The worrying, the nighttime insanity are familiar to me too. Here's a thought: repeat the mantras and good thoughts during the day---this kind of practice during the daytime, when the insanity of night fears hasn't descended provides some ballast against the bad thoughts later. It's the same principle as not confronting someone at the moment of anger but waiting until they are calm and you can talk rationally. Reflective, conscious parenting cures us of our narcisissm--we really can't name, fix, change, forestall everything, or much of anything. This is the hard lesson children teach every day. The worrying about everything bad that could happen to children strikes me as a three-headed beast: it is hardwired into us so that we will be vigilant; it is also magical thinking: if we worry about it, and research it, we feel wecan prevent it from occurring, or by rehearsing the tragedy we immunize ourselves against it; and the third head is that all that anxiety offers an escape from the self. Anxiety/obsessiveness as a distraction from the self.... Of course, it also may just be chemical, and genetic, or something that can and should be managed with meditation and drugs. I chose the medication route as soon as I experienced raw panic, because I couldn't tolerate anticipating any more panic, and figured I'd work out the subtle, underlying reasons for it all after getting some chemical relief. I'm rambling on here. What I really wanted to say is: go easy on yourself kiddo. Your family is wonderful. You are a great great mother. Tell yourself that everyone is safe and relax your vigil, a bit. And keep writing. It's brilliant! Ame
ReplyDeleteMy thought about the obsessive thought disorder, or otd, is that it takes one out of the present and places them squarely in the future, fearing something that may or may not happen. A theme in my recovery has been to focus on being present, for moments both positive and negative, so that I may respond to what is, rather than what I am afraid may be. I love what Ame said about the magical thinking... I used to do that all the time, imagining that something someone else was going through was actualyl happening to me, and how awful it would be, and how I would react, and I would be crying hysterically over something that hasn't even happened to me. What did THAT accomplish?? Nothing, except that I got my face all messy and eyes puffy, all from acting out some sick form of self-punishment. But after learning that this was totally unproductive, because those things I feared and fantasized about may or may not ever happen to me, so why drag myself emotionally through the muck when, for right now, everything is okay? I, for one, chose NOT to be a glutton for punishment today, because I know that I deserve to enjoy the good moments of my life that are happening so that I may be prepared to accept the bad moments that will inevitably come, but are not here now. Without having happy, healthy, positive moments to balance out the not-so-fun parts of life I would be miserable. And I chose today to NOT be miserable if I can avoid it.
ReplyDeleteLove the blog... keep writing, it's therapeutic for "all of us."