career quandry

hi all---if there even is an all. honestly sometimes i dont even know if i am writing a journal or if there is actually someone reading this mess of stuff. jeepers. ok, that said--i know it doesnt really matter anyway--tonite i am thinking about career goals. what do i really want for myself? what makes sense? is there an intersection? a few years ao i watched this pretty hokey dvd on the rules of attraction or something like that. it was called "the secret"--while i thought on some levels it was totally bogus, i admit to remaining a little curious about it. i mean how much of our life is controlled by our thoughts. how much of what we achieve is controlled by what we think we can achieve? this interests me. success interests me. failure too. how close we can be at any time to one or the other.

for me, failure is one liquor store trip away. always. one bottle of scotch away. one glass of wine and there it is. failure. but, i've done that already--felt bad about myself, underachieved, felt sorry for myself, hated the world, blamed other people. it is not that interesting anymore to me. but success, i mean real career sucess is interesting. what makes people successful and what do i even mean when i say it? is it effectiveness? money? happiness? creativity? freedom? all of the above. are the most successful people always happy? i think we all know examples of how the rich but miserable person. and then the poor but happy one? but whats the deal really? arent they all just stereotypes. what about real career success that is both financial and...spiritual?

is it as simple as doing what we love? are we always good at what we love? i dont know. i love to write but i am not sure i could make a living doing it. i like what i do now but i dont really feel effective. i feel like--i could be doing more to help more people only i dont know what that is. lately it feels like i keep having the same clients over and over. i think i read this as part of symptom check list on professional burnout...?

anyway, the clients that i keep running into are active addicts with young children. needless to say this is not where i want to be and probably not where anyone wants to be. if i thought i could really effect change then i would feel less helpless but i feel limited in what i can say and do. i wonder sometimes if i would be more effective if i just quit my job and started being a community organizer or life coach. at least then i could tell people to get their shit together and stop lying. now, i have to say stuff like maybe you need to take a look at your choices and think about what you want. really? even i dont like hearing this neutralized, watered down...mess. even when i try to be tough i can only say so much in a professional way. a big part of me just wants to say look--no one belives you. eveyrone knows you are using. stop or you are going to lose everything you have, love, and want. and even then i know that it probably wouldnt really matter what i say bc everyone has their own path, their own bottom, their own story.

so whats the deal really? i know enouch to know that this is really about me, not them. the people i work with probably have nothing or very little to do with it. denial. lying. manipulating. blaming. these are all symptoms of the disease that i am pretty well educated on. my inclination or desire to knock some sense into them--literally knock it in though means soemthing else. maybe it means it is time for a change. maybe my frustration or restlessness is telling me that i need to change. maybe it is time to think about what i can do different, not what they can. xx