thursday night 10:56pm

hi. not much going on here. it is thursday night at 10:56. our house got its second viewing today which is a strange thing. on the one hand, i'm excited and on the other, i was sort of just getting used to the idea of staying around for a while longer. now i just feel confused. again. this entire process is really teaching me the importance of acceptance. even if it is just acceptance of things exactly as they are now and without knowing how they will be tomorrow. this is not at all easy bc it is really hard to mentally plan your future (my bad habit) when you cant even really predict (with any accuracy) where you might be in two months. it is seriously making me mental and making me take a good hard look at how attached i am to my own projections, predictions, expectations. it is confusing. tonite i watched two episodes of the Good Wife back to back. One i had already seen. i realized i was enjoying just being totally lazy, not thinking, not dealing, sort of hiding in tv. i dont do that often so it is strange when i realize that i am doing that and i keep doing it anyway. i thought about how easy it is to escape into anything. how lazy. how comfortable. i thought about how i feel safe when i am hiding which is actually pretty strange. i have been like this for as long as i can remember. have felt safe when i am curled up hiding from the world and (ironically) this is probably the most self destructive, least healthy, way for me to live and yet it feels right. oddly right to be sort of building a cocoon or nest or soemthing. tonite i wonder what really i am hiding from. what newness, unpredictablility, challenge am avoiding. how good coudl my life be if i stopped believing that every change was something that woudl make thigns worse. i can only wonder and hope to eventually fall asleep. hope you do too. xx