r is for recovery and relief

it is 12:35am and i cant sleep. i have made a resolve to try to be productive when i cannot sleep instead of laying in bed and just getting frustrated or worrying. so far so good as i cleaned my bathroom, recleaned the kitchen, made my own lavendar air freshener, and am now writing to you. so i made it through the wedding and the much written about toast. it went ok. there are things i would do different but basically i did not embarass myself or my sister and i said what was true and was not so nervous that i couldnt sort of relax for at least part of it. cool. after it was over i was so relieved that everything was super fun and i felt almost intoxicated with how pretty the night was and just how cool weddings are with family's getting connected and friends reconnecting. though there was drinking there i did not really feel bothered by it and i did feel sort of firmly resolved that my toast was going to be way better with the sober me giving it then with the old (not sober) me giving it.

so now, i am back with that event behind me. i am trying to relax but as usual my crazy brain is kicking in and just finding new and different things to worry about or just think about too much. i am trying to quiet my brain down. it goes so fast sometimes that i almost forget that i actually can control it. i get carried away. my own insecurities or fears fill me up and beat me down.

i think about how frequently i still compare myself to other people, either feeling totally beneath them or sickly better then them. it is such an annoying and really reprehensible quality this comparing. it makes me sad. and i dont just compare looks, i compare clothes, homes, cars, kids clothes, kids manners, jobs, education, family. all of it. my crazy brain goes there. and really can go bonkers. i am proud that i manage to sometimes not go there and then disappointed that i still do go there too. because when i do that, i cheat myself of the opportunity to actually know people and to be w/ them for who they are, not what they look like, or what they have. how superficial must i really be behaving when i make the assumption that i can know a person by what i see alone.

tonite, i am thinking about where this comes from. this desire to be better then or have more then. fear. greed. both. i know i am better then this, deep down that this is not really me but it is part of me. tonite i am asking that little part of me to begin to change. to consider that my real goal is to feel comfortable with myself no matter who i am with and what they do or dont have or do or dont say. i want to be the same me that is here writing this--real, solid, dependable. i think i made some progress at the wedding. that girl giving the toast--that was really me and i have to say that i was sort of proud of her. xx