identity

hi all. i cant believe my title is identity. talk about heavy. if i had more coffee maybe i could be more creative? what i really want to talk about is something that happened to me yesterday. yesterday i watched a music video. the video was for life on a chain by pete yorn. it is an old song and an old video. when i watched it though i was instantly transported to a place in my life that felt very familiar. a time when i was wearing black tee shirts, ripped jeans, and lived in dive bars. i was an extreme version of myself and proud of it. i drank tequila shots, smoked marlboro lights, and thought dark beer was the answer to almost anything.

when i saw this video, heard this song, i started to think about that version of myself. i was nostalgic for her. not just for the drinking but for the not caring. i think i was nostalgic for irresponsibility. i went to work all in my own head and strange. i missed people that i knew then. i missed all sorts of strange things that seem weird to miss.

i then went to work. i didnt think about the music or the video or the ripped jeans. i spent time with girls who were living very similarly to the way i thought i missed--not that long ago. i felt their confusion, their pain, their lack of self esteem on some visceral level that maybe you can really only feel if you've been there.

i drove home from work in the dark thinking about how proud i am of those girls, of myself, of anyone who has been somewhere dark and is trying to get somewhere light. i thought about tequila shots and cigarettes. i thought about pete yorn and the old boyfriend who went with him. this is my history--these stories, memories, thoughts are a part of who i am because they are who i used to be. and in all of us here now, is who we used to be, then who we want to be, and finally who we are right now. we all have a blend of these things within us which is what makes us interesting, complicated, and unlike anyone else.

my desire for gritty bars i have left behind, sometimes with a dull ache, and other times with complete certainty. either way though it is behind. just like the pete yorn, the boyfriend, the tequila shots. on some days the past for whatever unknown reason seems interesting and on other days it seems immature and sad. how my history looks depends on where i am standing when i look. i think we all feel this way. a little hungry, angry, lonely, tired and shit we used to do sounds appealing--honestly anything thta might make us feel different sometimes sounds appealing.

here's the trick i've had to work for though--just because we feel this way does not mean that we have to do a darn thing about it. we can just feel this way. we can be aware of it. we can understand that like everyone else we too are going to remember the things we used to do. it is ok. we are ok. we are all together in this funny and sometimes confusing world of change. the only thing we can all depend on is that this too will pass. here's to another night i can remember, love we can wake up with, and to being proud of our choices for another day. xxk