Hi All. Tonite I had to run a fake recovery group in my class (the class is to someday help me get my CASAC--certified alcohol and sub abuse counselor in NY State). Anyway, as part of the process I (or my class and I) need to learn how to run recovery groups. Tonite was my night to do it and it was hard and made me feel uncomfortable. Of course in retrospect I can think of all of the right things to say and do but in the moment it was hard. I felt somehow like I had blinders on and was unable to see the big picture of the group and all of the dynamics that come with it. Or maybe I did see the group but felt somehow powerless to effect the change that I wanted.
However you slice it, it was hard. I have never done it before and doing new things is never easy for me. I guess it is never easy for anyone but my version of the truth is that it is easy for everyone except me. I use this totally false truth to make myself feel bad for not knowing how to do things that there is no real way that I should know how to do. Despite positive feedback I still feel somewhat deflated. Not from doing a bad job per se but from not doing a f*cking fantastic out of the park job. I guess from not being flawless. This desire to be flawless screws me in so many different ways that it is actually hard to think of them all to write them.
Lets just say that in many different areas of my life I hold myself to a standard that is nearly impossible and then choose to not even try bc I know I will never be good enough.
I have worked hard to know that I do this and worked hard to overcome it. People who know me in real life would be suprised, I think, that my internal voice is pretty different from the self I put out there to the world. In other words I dont go aroudn telling everyone how crazy my inside voices actually can be. Mainly bc I now know that that initial inside crazy voice really needs to be shut down. Sometimes shutting that voice down is easy and I just ignore it and it stops. Times like tonite I know I need to shine some serious light on it and watch it scamper away.
Deep down in the very core of who I am--the K that I have been trying to get back to--I know that I am just fine. I know that I need to make mistakes in order to learn new things. I know that I am not any better or worse then anyone else. Tonite, I will take the time to feel grateful for the opportunities that my mistakes afford me--the chance to do it different the next time. Back when I was drinking there were so many opportunities to do something different that I missed. Tonite, there are jsut more chances--all of them I know will help make me stronger and wiser. Here's to progress for us all--which includes lots of mistakes and struggles--lots of chances for us to learn how to be better and do better.
Another sober night that ends with me being grateful for the chance to live in a way that I can be proud of. I hope you are living this way too. xxK
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