Hi All,
Tonite I spent time listening to some pretty smart people talk about surrender. I admit it, surrender is not my strong suit. In fact, I think that lately I might actually hate the word itself. And hate in this case is not too strong a word. In the first few days and weeks after my Dad took his own life I was numb and then dazed. I could not quite get myself to face what had happened which seems strange since I thought about it all of the time. I was in a constant state of unpleasant visualizations coupled with a mind that seemed unable to accept those pictures as real.
Having done my share of a therapy and having been lucky enough to have not one but two amazing therapists to work with, I know and have known for sometime that my proclivity towards replaying images and thoughts does not serve me well. So, I tried to stop the pictures and mostly did or at least lessened them. Change the channel I would hear my therapist saying or move a muscle change a thought I would hear my friends say. Distraction is a good thing during these times. But the truth is and was that even though my obsessive mind does not serve me, the pushing out of all of the thoughts does not always serve me either. I need to find a place in the middle. A safe place.
I read that Einstein said that our most important thought was if we believe that we live in a hostile or friendly world. I read this in another article that I sought out after hearing someone speak tonite on Surrender. This woman said she is spending a year with the idea of surrender. This idea spoke to me. I thought of myself at times actually unable to speak the Serenity Prayer in meetings. Here are the words I cannot say:
God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Generally, I can muster the courage to speak the courage portion but it is the acceptance part, the first part that even still sometimes chokes me up. Who knew I'd be come a person unable to speak the phrase to accept the things I cannot change without crying or feeling like I might. This is where Surrender enters the picture. I find myself stuck at a crossroads who will I become with this new experience? An angry person? I sad person? A broken person? A scared person?
Though I confess to often being all of those things lately it is not who I want to be and it is not who I will allow myself to be. At some point I need to...surrender. At some point I need to accept that this event has happened and like all other events that have happened and will happen--I believe--it was meant to happen and I cannot continue to feel I should have or could have done something different to alter it. After all, who am I to know how things should be. All I seem to know is what hurts and how to protect myself from that pain. Only the protection is not real and only protracts the pain.
So I will say this...inhale the pain, let it fill me up, let it break me open, and swallow me whole. Pain like a wetsuit heavy and black and slippery all over me. Keeping me safe from more pain. Protected. Insulated. Alone. It is so tempting to give into it because I am tired and scared but I wont do it. I will do the opposite. I will step out of this heaviness, scared, naked, and willing to surrender to this friendly universe that I will trust and love because I dont have a choice. xxK
Tonite I spent time listening to some pretty smart people talk about surrender. I admit it, surrender is not my strong suit. In fact, I think that lately I might actually hate the word itself. And hate in this case is not too strong a word. In the first few days and weeks after my Dad took his own life I was numb and then dazed. I could not quite get myself to face what had happened which seems strange since I thought about it all of the time. I was in a constant state of unpleasant visualizations coupled with a mind that seemed unable to accept those pictures as real.
Having done my share of a therapy and having been lucky enough to have not one but two amazing therapists to work with, I know and have known for sometime that my proclivity towards replaying images and thoughts does not serve me well. So, I tried to stop the pictures and mostly did or at least lessened them. Change the channel I would hear my therapist saying or move a muscle change a thought I would hear my friends say. Distraction is a good thing during these times. But the truth is and was that even though my obsessive mind does not serve me, the pushing out of all of the thoughts does not always serve me either. I need to find a place in the middle. A safe place.
I read that Einstein said that our most important thought was if we believe that we live in a hostile or friendly world. I read this in another article that I sought out after hearing someone speak tonite on Surrender. This woman said she is spending a year with the idea of surrender. This idea spoke to me. I thought of myself at times actually unable to speak the Serenity Prayer in meetings. Here are the words I cannot say:
God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Generally, I can muster the courage to speak the courage portion but it is the acceptance part, the first part that even still sometimes chokes me up. Who knew I'd be come a person unable to speak the phrase to accept the things I cannot change without crying or feeling like I might. This is where Surrender enters the picture. I find myself stuck at a crossroads who will I become with this new experience? An angry person? I sad person? A broken person? A scared person?
Though I confess to often being all of those things lately it is not who I want to be and it is not who I will allow myself to be. At some point I need to...surrender. At some point I need to accept that this event has happened and like all other events that have happened and will happen--I believe--it was meant to happen and I cannot continue to feel I should have or could have done something different to alter it. After all, who am I to know how things should be. All I seem to know is what hurts and how to protect myself from that pain. Only the protection is not real and only protracts the pain.
So I will say this...inhale the pain, let it fill me up, let it break me open, and swallow me whole. Pain like a wetsuit heavy and black and slippery all over me. Keeping me safe from more pain. Protected. Insulated. Alone. It is so tempting to give into it because I am tired and scared but I wont do it. I will do the opposite. I will step out of this heaviness, scared, naked, and willing to surrender to this friendly universe that I will trust and love because I dont have a choice. xxK
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ReplyDelete"Loving what is" can seem like a cruel and absurd philosophy in the face of undeniable, deep pain. But it may be the only way through. You are processing it all Karen, and will continue to absorb, reject, understand, repudiate, all as you go. What you face every day, and the grace and courage with which you do it, are emblems for others, and perhaps ultimately will be for yourself. Though "the past is a blue note inside" (a line from my favorite, Laura Nyro) at some point I hope you can look at your own journey and see the remarkable, rich things you have sown and created along the way. You are illuminating things as you go, and redeeming them too. With affection and admiration as always.
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