Hi All,
April. It looms ahead on the horizon. Before April is the end of March. The end of March is happy. My daughter's bday, 6. The beginning of March is happy, my mom's bday, more than 6. But always there is April. Last April I cant remember. I have always hated April...too cold, too windy, not May, not even close to May.
I am not sure what to say about things lately. My job is so busy. I have been there long enough to see the good and the bad. The easy and the hard. It is good though and solid and real. It means something to me this place and these people. It means something to be at a shelter.
And my children are good and beautiful and perfect. Nearly 6 is a brilliant age all freckles and eyes and questions. Sometimes I am not sure how or why I was given these miracles. And 4 so sharp and wide eyed and earnest. It is too much sometimes to live with their goodness and innocence. It forces me open, to be present, and then there I am present and open and unable to protect myself from the pain that inevitably arises. I remember. November. April.
April is my Dad's birthday. I try to remember his birthdays that I spent with him, but I cant. Sometimes I remember good things and I am happy but mostly I just have the picture in my head. I try to alter the picture. Latelty I have been trying to imagine him jumping off of a bridge and flying into the sky with big wings soaring, free, happy. Sometimes this works. The other times it is just the picture.
I try to be of service to others and sometimes I think maybe I am. I try to do the right thing and sometimes I do. I try. I want to do better or more. I want to fix things or change things. I want people, all people, everyone to know this was my Dad and he is gone. I want them to feel the loss. I want them to understand what happened to him, to me. I want just one person to feel differently about things because of this...
And that is that. The way it is tonite. xxK
April. It looms ahead on the horizon. Before April is the end of March. The end of March is happy. My daughter's bday, 6. The beginning of March is happy, my mom's bday, more than 6. But always there is April. Last April I cant remember. I have always hated April...too cold, too windy, not May, not even close to May.
I am not sure what to say about things lately. My job is so busy. I have been there long enough to see the good and the bad. The easy and the hard. It is good though and solid and real. It means something to me this place and these people. It means something to be at a shelter.
And my children are good and beautiful and perfect. Nearly 6 is a brilliant age all freckles and eyes and questions. Sometimes I am not sure how or why I was given these miracles. And 4 so sharp and wide eyed and earnest. It is too much sometimes to live with their goodness and innocence. It forces me open, to be present, and then there I am present and open and unable to protect myself from the pain that inevitably arises. I remember. November. April.
April is my Dad's birthday. I try to remember his birthdays that I spent with him, but I cant. Sometimes I remember good things and I am happy but mostly I just have the picture in my head. I try to alter the picture. Latelty I have been trying to imagine him jumping off of a bridge and flying into the sky with big wings soaring, free, happy. Sometimes this works. The other times it is just the picture.
I try to be of service to others and sometimes I think maybe I am. I try to do the right thing and sometimes I do. I try. I want to do better or more. I want to fix things or change things. I want people, all people, everyone to know this was my Dad and he is gone. I want them to feel the loss. I want them to understand what happened to him, to me. I want just one person to feel differently about things because of this...
And that is that. The way it is tonite. xxK
No comments:
Post a Comment