Hi All,
Today is Wednesday. Yesterday was Tuesday and was a not great day. Work was hard, my clients were pissed and ungrateful and blaming. I was tired and felt hopeless. I backed into a parked car after Seder around 9pm--and by the time I had driven home just felt done. Both cars were fine but the accident just seemed to really drive home the theme of the day which seemed to me to be Karen Sucks. As I lay in bed reflecting over it all, I realized that I missed my Dad and I didnt talk about it, not to anyone. For one of the first times I felt that I didnt want that to be the center of the conversation, didnt want to walk thru the sympathy, or attention, and so I just ignored it and hoped it would go away. Not only did it not go away but instead of the loss pain, I just felt artificial, and pretend, and sort of both plastic and disconnected. I realized I'd actually rather feel downright sad then feel like I'm pretending to not feel sad. Pretending it seems is not my strong suit.
I woke up this morning determined to not let Tuesday wreck Wednesday. (I would l say that some meta version of this is how I am running my life lately.) And so I took my shower with determination to not bring the Karen Sucks theme into Wednesday and then I decided that I would not even worry about that theme and just accept that if that theme came up again than so be it. Acceptance. My day was smooth, low key, somewhat productive and not...reactive. I cant tell you all how often my bad days somehow, somewhere involve reactivity. Often.
Today was clearly not yesterday. I'll say it again for both of us. Today was not yesterday. Obvious and suddenly so soothing. Today was not yesterday because it could not have been no matter how hard I might have tried to made it the same if I wanted to. And here is what I then really realized for the first time in nearly four months. November 22, 2012 will never happen again. I will never have to have that day or night over again. Never again have to have those conversations or feel those exact feelings. They are over. In the past. Done.
Will I feel pain? Loss? Grief? Will I feel angry? Hurt? Sad? Guilty? Broken? Will I feel unable to accept circumstances beyond my control? Yes to all of it. Yes. Almost definitely I will be forced to deal with all of these different emotions and feelings and thoughts because they are all part of life. The idea that this exact scenario is over though is something that I honestly feel sort of relieved by today. I mean, it is done. It has happened. I dont have to try or expect or wait. I just have to put it where it belongs--in the past.
Along with the pain in the past needs to go the guilt. The guilt is the thing. The pain hurts, has brought me to my knees, but is somehow finite and clean. Loss. The guilt is different because it is not finite, is not clean, is somehow cerebral and heavy and thick. A few weeks ago it happened with me and the guilt. This moment that I now wonder if maybe happens to all survivors of a loved one's suicide...I had the clear thought: this was my fault and everyone knows it. There it was. I had felt bits of this thought before but never this certain. I felt so hopeless and sad in this moment. And then I knew what had to be done.
I had to say goodbye to the guilt not temporarily but forever. I mean I had to close the iron door on this unproductive, untrue, and destructive emotion for good. Guilt, it seems, is a luxury I just cant afford. Because this particular guilt could destroy me piece by piece from the inside out. I told myself, I'm done with guilt. Then I told everyone else that I could think of. (Just like when I quit drinking, I safeguard myself by telling everyone my plan so I know that everyone can hold me accountable and being vain and sort of committed to living with integrity this has been somewhat effective.) And so the guilt is over. No one has asked me if it is easy to stop feeling guilty or not? If they did I think I would say it is very similar for me to stopping drinking. It is not hard to do anything once we decide that we want to. It is the in between that hurts.
So if you are reading this and are going thru something similar I would suggest that you too try this. You tell yourself that this guilt is no longer an option. Self: guilt is no longer an option. Just like I once said, Self: drinking is no longer and option. Then you hold on for all of the weird shit your brain does to get around itself. While this is happening you find lots of other things to say and do and think about. And when all else fails you pray and reread why you thought this was a good idea. 3 weeks away from 9 years without a drink or drug. 1 week and four days without guilt for my Dad's death. One day at a time, baby. xxK
Today is Wednesday. Yesterday was Tuesday and was a not great day. Work was hard, my clients were pissed and ungrateful and blaming. I was tired and felt hopeless. I backed into a parked car after Seder around 9pm--and by the time I had driven home just felt done. Both cars were fine but the accident just seemed to really drive home the theme of the day which seemed to me to be Karen Sucks. As I lay in bed reflecting over it all, I realized that I missed my Dad and I didnt talk about it, not to anyone. For one of the first times I felt that I didnt want that to be the center of the conversation, didnt want to walk thru the sympathy, or attention, and so I just ignored it and hoped it would go away. Not only did it not go away but instead of the loss pain, I just felt artificial, and pretend, and sort of both plastic and disconnected. I realized I'd actually rather feel downright sad then feel like I'm pretending to not feel sad. Pretending it seems is not my strong suit.
I woke up this morning determined to not let Tuesday wreck Wednesday. (I would l say that some meta version of this is how I am running my life lately.) And so I took my shower with determination to not bring the Karen Sucks theme into Wednesday and then I decided that I would not even worry about that theme and just accept that if that theme came up again than so be it. Acceptance. My day was smooth, low key, somewhat productive and not...reactive. I cant tell you all how often my bad days somehow, somewhere involve reactivity. Often.
Today was clearly not yesterday. I'll say it again for both of us. Today was not yesterday. Obvious and suddenly so soothing. Today was not yesterday because it could not have been no matter how hard I might have tried to made it the same if I wanted to. And here is what I then really realized for the first time in nearly four months. November 22, 2012 will never happen again. I will never have to have that day or night over again. Never again have to have those conversations or feel those exact feelings. They are over. In the past. Done.
Will I feel pain? Loss? Grief? Will I feel angry? Hurt? Sad? Guilty? Broken? Will I feel unable to accept circumstances beyond my control? Yes to all of it. Yes. Almost definitely I will be forced to deal with all of these different emotions and feelings and thoughts because they are all part of life. The idea that this exact scenario is over though is something that I honestly feel sort of relieved by today. I mean, it is done. It has happened. I dont have to try or expect or wait. I just have to put it where it belongs--in the past.
Along with the pain in the past needs to go the guilt. The guilt is the thing. The pain hurts, has brought me to my knees, but is somehow finite and clean. Loss. The guilt is different because it is not finite, is not clean, is somehow cerebral and heavy and thick. A few weeks ago it happened with me and the guilt. This moment that I now wonder if maybe happens to all survivors of a loved one's suicide...I had the clear thought: this was my fault and everyone knows it. There it was. I had felt bits of this thought before but never this certain. I felt so hopeless and sad in this moment. And then I knew what had to be done.
I had to say goodbye to the guilt not temporarily but forever. I mean I had to close the iron door on this unproductive, untrue, and destructive emotion for good. Guilt, it seems, is a luxury I just cant afford. Because this particular guilt could destroy me piece by piece from the inside out. I told myself, I'm done with guilt. Then I told everyone else that I could think of. (Just like when I quit drinking, I safeguard myself by telling everyone my plan so I know that everyone can hold me accountable and being vain and sort of committed to living with integrity this has been somewhat effective.) And so the guilt is over. No one has asked me if it is easy to stop feeling guilty or not? If they did I think I would say it is very similar for me to stopping drinking. It is not hard to do anything once we decide that we want to. It is the in between that hurts.
So if you are reading this and are going thru something similar I would suggest that you too try this. You tell yourself that this guilt is no longer an option. Self: guilt is no longer an option. Just like I once said, Self: drinking is no longer and option. Then you hold on for all of the weird shit your brain does to get around itself. While this is happening you find lots of other things to say and do and think about. And when all else fails you pray and reread why you thought this was a good idea. 3 weeks away from 9 years without a drink or drug. 1 week and four days without guilt for my Dad's death. One day at a time, baby. xxK
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