again and again until we learn the lesson

hi everyone. i am excited to report that 1) i love my new casac class, other students, and teacher are all really interesting and different and cool and, most of all, learning is just so downright amazing that i am perpetually grateful for the opportunity just to be in class. 2) job interview on tuesday at a somewhat nearby rehab is exciting and making me hopeful 3) i like the meetings around here even though i still feel like a newcomer and sort of isolated they are helping a ton and lastly i am muttering thru some of my dad's struggles with his health despite feeling sorry for myself frequently and needing a big gentle reminder often that this is not about me.

ok, so big changes have happened on this end. i blogged so much about how hard it is and was i feel compelled to report that things are improving. i also had a really strange experience this past week where i learned that my family had this secret...trauma?...that i never knew about until this week. i guess both me and my sister were really little at time of incident and so we were too young to know. then as we got older i guess there just was never a good time. anyway, it all came out this week and it really altered my perception of all sort of things. mostly though it just made me realize that even when we think we know people and what they have gone thru, we sometimes dont know as much as we think we do.

all of this, the moving, the family stuff--it has made me think. really think about who i am and who i want to be. time and time again i am forced to remember that it is action not thinking that really changes our lives. sitting around and waiting to figure things out or waiting for the time to be right to make changes on some level this is all just...putting things off. dont get me wrong sometimes we need to put stuff off. to wait and see. to take time to just be. other times though, we need to stop the thinking, the being, and just start doing. i, for one, am not a great doer and it really takes work. i am getting there and you all are helping me.

thanks for listening again. xxk

kicking ass and taking names

hi all. please note rapid change in tone and approach that i have undertaken. so, last night i went to a meeting--feeling pretty downtrodden and sorry for myself. by the end of the mtg i had learned about a casac program that i might be eligible for and found a potential preschool for my daughter. it felt like divine intervention but really i think it is as simple as when you do the right thing and keep doing it, eventually things do get better. doors open. light comes in.

i think of how easily i could have stayed home last night and how easily i could have put my head down and bolted at the meetings end but i didnt. i did all of the things that i didnt want or feel like doing. i went to the meeting. i talked to strangers. i put myself out there. i cant underestimate how painful it can be, how against the grain putting myself out there is. it consistently feels wrong. i am starting to think that a huge part of recovery, or at least my recovery, is just doing all of the things that feel the most uncomfortable--all of the time. just learning to be uncomfortable and that be ok, until eventually you are not really uncomfortable being uncomfortable anymore. a strange idea.

so here i am. totally out on a limb in so many areas and still doing ok. i feel the way someone might feel after a good first date. cautiously optimistic and yet optimistic.

this after just yesterday someone told me they were worried about me. let me say for the record that i hate this phrase. reading from the "living sober" book at the meeting last night crystallized why i hate it. saying you are worried about someone sort of says--you have sympathy for them. the difference between sympathy and empathy is huge. i totally love and respect the person who was worrying but it made me think about how often i feel worried about other people and how that feels to them. being worried about someone sort of automatically puts us in a superior place to them. it is not really helpful for either person. we all want someone right next to us, not above, or below us.

here's to us all being next to each other, with each other. i think together we might just be able to make it...xxk
xx

this too shall pass

hi all. checking in. no real progress on the funk. same funk, different reason. wish i coudl report life changing epiphany but still just slogging thru it. sober. attempting gratitude and reminding myself: this too shall pass. xxk

blown wide open & off the tracks

hi all. it is hard to explain how completely surreal it is to move and suddenly find yourself in a new place with new people and a new house. i thought i'd be the same and my surroundings would just be different but what has really happened is that i dont feel the same at all. i feel totally blown wide open and off kilter. for the last week i couldnt really even write but tonite i went to a good meeting and felt the glimmers of hope that meeting kind people can produce--at least in me.

i was feeling totally dejected because i did not get a job that i felt very qualified for and was uncharacteristically confident about. that plus not knowing many people here got me all turned around. i have started questioning my path and feeling all turned inside out. what i know i know, i convince myself that i dont know and then i am screwed. tonite though i had this realization that this negative thinking is really just one giant bad habit. it all starts with me feeling afraid and then suddenly i am catapulted into this weird doubting everything place. i know that this is totally in my head and crazy but if i dont write it and look at it then it stays in my head and literally takes over--like cancer. before i know it i have totally altered my reality. i fear i was almost there before tonites meeting.

i had begun to tell myself that i was really getting unhinged. the weird thing is that i dont think i actually am or was but this habit of telling myself that i am is oddly strong. talk about kicking yourself when you are down. i have this way of nearly collapsing in on myself when i am faced with adversity. when i was drinking i basically just drank myself into an oblivion and when sober it seems to look more like i just hand the keys to my life over to anyone around who wants them. like i just sort of give up and become a passenger and not in a good way. this habit is so destructive because 1)it totally disempowers me and 2) it totally overloads the person who i give the keys to (obviously my husband in this scenario and many ex boyfriends passed have crumbled under the weight of my entire life in their hands).

so here i am--somewhat aware and prepared to make changes as follows: 1) i can no longer avoid any phone calls related to job seeking on the basis of being scared of rejection. this is counterproductive and downright silly. i am not sure what i am even afraid of. actually i do know, my work is the one are of my life, besides my writing, where i feel competent. having that out there to be scrutinized and judged, when i already feel vulnerable, is painful. i am just afraid that someone will tell me i dont know anything. even reading this i know that anyone could say anything and it wouldnt affect what i know or dont know or what i can or cant do. i just give the power away though--like i am somehow giving away to anyone the power to validate me or undercut me. it is all wrong and i know it.
so, 2) i will no longer give anyone the power to make me feel bad about myself. eleanor roosevelt said it--no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. that said, i hereby remove my consent. and finally 3)when i feel sad and lonely i vow to actually call someone and not sit around and tell myself how much i suck and how screwed up i am.

lastly, i will blog regardless of how shithouse i feel because it does actually help me to see how i am the one who is in control of my thoughts, and really just how powerful i am at changing myself for bad and for good. i heard someone say the other night at a meeting that if anyone in their life said to them the things that they say to themselves they'd never speak to them again...perfect huh. hope you are all treating yourselves right tonite too. i've missed you. on a self indulgent note: ts--if you are out there, i am going to try to start hearing you again in my head. this always helps me put it all back together again. i am forever grateful. xxk

change and more change

hi friends. today is wednesday. this is the first wednesday in five years that i did not have clinical supervision, did not get my coffee at south st cafe, and did not wake up in bennington, vt. so things here are different. i have found a pretty cool coffee spot that also sells home made bread. i dont know the people there though and so it feels like i am just visiting. in fact everything feels like i am just visiting. i guess this is what being new somewhere is all about. i am adjusting or trying to. mostly i am just floating around this new space, oddly aware of it not being my old space, and trying to be grateful for having such a beautiful and tranquil place to now call home. i am very clearly in some sort of inbetween time. not working yet and just sort of unpacking and setting up the stage for the new play that will be my life here--it all feels very surreal.

i do better writing at night, so i think i'll check back in then. right now i just feel sort of blank. hoping that changes soon. not used to ever feeling that way...xxk

hi all. today has been a tough day for me. i had an argument with my dad who is determined to leave the hospital how and when he wants and then i got a rejection letter from the job i thought i might get. apparently they did not do second interviews. they put a sticky note on the rejection letter that said that i was the second choice and good luck to me. i think this helped but i am not sure. i am actually not sure of much. not getting that job gives me more time to try to unwind from the crazy pace of the last month but it is still a hit to my ego and wallet. so much for feeling professionally invincible.

this brings me to it. my latest thought. how important to my self esteem or own sense of self is what others think of me? the real truth is that i am the same worker now that i was before i got that letter and i would be the same if i had gotten a call that i had the job. how i feel about myself and my work really should not be determined by one person who met me for an hour, but it still stings, as i guess these things are bound to do. all i can muster from this is the idea that i guess i should remain focused on substance abuse work and writing since that is really where my interest is anyway.

the stuff w/ my dad is harder. i feel hurt bc he isnt being nice--to me or anyone else. i feel sad that he makes choices for himself that seem, at best, short sighted and, at worst, dangerous. i think about all of the things i could try to do to make things better and then cant execute them so that they actually work. i think if we were closer maybe i'd have more of an impact but we're not and i don't. my feelings of powerlessness and fear seem to be coming in waves of increasing height. all of this while trying to pack and leave a job with coworkers that i love and will miss. not to mention friends i know and will miss. it is painful as shit and makes me want to cry and stomp my feet and cancel the moving trucks, but i dont. i wont.

for today i will take it one day at a time. i will finish my work. i will go home and go to a meeting. i will do the next right thing and then the next right thing after that. i will stop telling myself mean things and i will start the never ending process of building myself back up--i guess that is really what it is all about. thanks for helping me out. xxk

untitled

hi. tonite i cant even muster a title. wtf. i know. lazy. my brain though is really starting to feel the effects of the last few weeks of stress and it is not pretty. almost no creative energy. anyway, i wanted to write bc 1) i cant sleep and 2) i am leaving tomorrow for philadelphia to attend my dad's triple bypass surgery. it is so fucked up to really think about how our bodies work. how strong we are and then also how fragile. i know nothing groundbreaking in these ideas but it 12:02am and i havent slept well without a otc sleep aid in days. so i am always either drowsy from the sleep aid or tired from not sleeping. i almost broke down today and called for some ambien but then i remembered a friend telling me that her relapse started with ambien and i reconsidered. i've already also blogged about my previous relationship with ambien and how i dont think it is really healthy for me and my recovery, so i remain strong, and not sleeping.

i'll keep this short because my writing is painfully bad tonite. i am scared. i am scared of losing my dad. i thought about it tonite and i am not ready to lose him. i dont feel that i could handle it and i am terrified that i will be asked to. i understand that i likely will never feel ready for this but tonite i can say that i know i am not and i dont want it to happen. i also know i have no control over anything and that no matter what i need to accept what life offers me.

acceptance.

this is where i struggle. for the most part i believe that my sobriety, my recovery, my sense of myself is firm. solid. then there are events that push me and make me wonder. just how much can i take before i go back to being the old me. i want to fall down, cry, be a mess for a long time and let someone else be the adult. i want to smoke a pack of cigarettes in the dirtiest diviest bar imaginable while drinking johnny walker black and talking to strangers. i want to forget who i am. then i want to foget who my dad is. then i want to forget that in a few days someone is going to slice him open. i am tired of doing the right thing. tired of being strong. tired.

and then even as i write this i know that i dont want that either. i dont want to fall apart. i dont want to go back to needing that option. i am not that person anymore and i dont even want to be. who i want to be is me like i am now--just not having this happen. i want to control the universe so things go the way that i want. i want to keep everyone i love and like and know right here with me and never let them go. i dont want anyone to get hurt or cry or go away. not now and not ever.

when i was 11 or 12 my dad moved out of our house. i remember watching his tail lights as his car pulled away. i said out loud i think, dont leave me. i meant it. i knew he had to go then but i wasnt ready and. it is true, probably i never would have been. tonite as i sit here i feel just like that 11 year old kneeling and looking out the window. i know i cant change anything but i wish i could.

tomorrow i will put these feelings away. i dont want my dad or my family to have to think about my feelings when we should be concentrating on my dad. for tonite, they are here though and this is their moment. i am scared and i feel like a child. i dont want to ever think about my parents not being here with me and i hate the fact that i have to. when i went to get gas in my car earlier tonite, i stood staring at the drinks in the shell station. finally i grabbed some weird seltzer lemon thing. out of the corner of my eye i saw the beer in the next cooler down. i imagined waking up on my front porch having never even made it inside. i imagined my kids and family having to take care of me. i realized then that i can do this. i dont want to but i can and i will. i havent made it this far to turn back now. hope you are still on your path too. wherever we are going--i hope we all get there in one piece. xx