second post sunday

Today is Sunday. After reading my first post I had all of this ambivalence about blogging about my life and my recovery but I am determined to try. If it becomes too much then I'll just stop. Anyway, I have had a tough few weeks but am finally pulling thru to the other side. I read this book called "Thinking Simply About Addiction" that has really helped me recommit myself to making meetings and just given me more insight into myself and everyone else who shares this weird confusing and all too common illness of addiction. I've been sober long enough that I no longer have any physical issues related to my drinking and so, for me, it is way too easy to slip into feeling cured or just curious. Maybe I could have one drink. Maybe I could take one Xanax etc. It is silly when I read it but the internal dialogue is no laughing matter. I am a skilled rationalizer and unless I say these things out loud it is possible that I'll just convince myself that it is all ok. I also have the strange burden of having what some people might call a high bottom. I didnt lose a job, or have any family or friends intervening. I just finally realized that when I drink I usually cant stop. Then I realized that most of my major problems were related to drinking. Then I realized that since I was terrified to stop drinking that I probably should stop drinking. Then I saw this amazing counselor (who I saw for the next five years) who suggested I try AA. Once I heard other alcoholics talking there was no getting around that I had found my people. So...here I am. Trying to be a good mother, trying to be a good wife, daughter, sister, worker and the whole time doing it sober. Sometimes I feel like I have entered some alternate reality and the real me is drinking a pint at some seedy bar in Manhattan and dreaming up this crazy fictional alter life but it is not so. This is the real thing. For better or worse I am here committed to my recovery one day at a time and trying to stay sane too. Today was ok. I lost my patience a few times but I didnt do anything major or bad. At dinner I poured myself a seltzer and cranberry and laughed about how it was really good for my kids that I dont drink anymore bc I would have poured one big drink after this day but I didnt. I just sat and ate with my daugther and my mom and smiled knowing that there was no me sitting in a bar in NYC anymore. The only me is right here and that makes this one pretty ok day. Long sigh.