stop the insanity

today is thursday. i've been manic busy all day and now am home because my daughter is home sick. this puts my crazy day into a grinding halt. anyway, while she is napping i started cleaning and attempting to decorate for the holidays--something that likely should have been done last week. then the postman comes to the door and delivers a holiday card from an old friend complete with perfect family picture, with perfect handwriting, with perfect address, and all with perfect names. for only a moment i felt bad. then i realized how ridiculous it is that i am somehow turning someone else's beautiful family and holiday wishes into something about me. none of it is actually about me. the narcissim coupled with insecurity runs deep here though. i wonder why is it so easy to feel jealous, envious, inadequate? and what does it mean when my first thought about someone else is what their universe means when compared to mine. to me it means one thing. i need to find some sort of spiritual connection and fast. how disconnected must i be feeling if when given a choice to be happy for someone else or jealous for myself--i pick that later and dont even really know it. i do have a choice though now. a choice to be conscious about my thinking. to say stop to my crazy brain that wants to use everyone elses happiness to make me feel bad when really it should make me feel good that the people i love are happy and healthy. i am trying hard not to reject myself for this whacky thinking but to just gently correct myself. as in, nope, wrong way. i think spirituality, when it works, it sort of like a spirtual gps. the voice inside you that says--you are making a wrong turn. go back. though hard to hear often, today my spirtual gps said, wrong way dude. come on back to the happy, secure, and groudned side. it really is where i belong...x