tuesday night at hannaford

Had to pick up milk tonite at Hannaford for my daughter. Found myself in the checkout line in front of this young girl who is holding only one thing--a case of Coors Light. True that even when I was drinking I found this beer revolting but still, it was there and this young, not buying milk or diapers, girl was holding it. I was a weird mix of jealous and sad when I thought about it. Jealous bc some people drink normal and sad because other people dont and you never really can tell by looking who they are. I dont want to drink, not for today or tomorrow but there are times in the grocery store where it is just all around and it is hard not to at least notice. I find it strange that my destruction is so readily available and then cool that I just go about my life and mostly forget this. Someone once told me that she always tells herself that she can drink whenever she wants and she just doesnt want to. She said that if she ever told herself she was not allowed to drink then she would want to more. At the time I didnt get this but I am starting to. I can drink but choose not to. This helps bc then I dont feel deprived and it makes me see that I have made this choice and that no one took it away from me. It is boring really but the constant barage of alcohol at the grocery store felt mentioning as sort of funny and strange and thought provoking. Also worth noting that there have been times in my life where I didnt even notice the alochol when I was shopping and I am sure that part of me noticing today was that I was tired and feeling worn out.

Also, I miss my therapist which would be funny if it wasnt so darn sad. Only I could get dependent on the person who is supposed to be helping me and then get depressed after I am not depressed bc I am done therapy. Long (sort of laughing) sigh. As far as therapy goes, I will say for the record that I am highly in support of therapy in general and substance abuse counseling in specific. So, that is that. My weird sadness coupled with my nostalgia over tonite being my son's first birthday makes for a strange and not so chatty mood. Also, I dont think anyone reads this so I am basically writing to no one. A little self indulgence is not a bad thing.