fireworks

well, here it is. our house is officially udner contract. we are set to close 8/20. part of me is ecstatic at how things have begun to work out. the other part of me is totally freaked out about how things have worked out. tonite i layed in bed putting my daughter to sleep. i thought about how i have choices all in front of me. choices layed out in all different directions--like a fork or forks in the road. only the road is dark and i cant see where it goes. i can guess but i cant really see. i guess i never can, only in my everyday life--at least lately--i dont see my choices so clearly or maybe i do but dont pay attention. now i am paying attention. maybe too much attention.

i imagine one road that looks scary. i take risks--i try a job that is harder or more challenging. i get out of my comfort zone. i dont necessarily do what i've done. i push myself. this is the scary road?

i see another road. more comfortable. i do what i've done. i stay close to home in everyway. i focus on feeling secure and safe. this is the predictable road.

then, because i am me, i see another road. this is the road that many people may not see. this is the road back to where i have been or worse. on this road i take no risks. i become consumed by fear and self pity. i feel trapped. i feel misunderstood and alone. i imagine that all of the ways that i have learned to feel competent disappear when i leave vt. i end up somewhere, with a drink. truth be told i know what drink it would be. scotch. i wasnt a big scotch drinker but somehow in these moments i cant understand why not. in anycase, it is there. the old me. the old thoughts. the old fears. the old seeming solutions that are really just bigger problems. i even can see right now that the other two roads could also lead to this road--so strange how that road is always there...

it all lays out before me. and i stand or really sit here. i watched a show on tv tonite called panic. it was about panic attacks. at the end, a famous actress, told some story...the end was something like the only way to conquer fear is to not listen to what it tells you to do. my fear tells me to hide or sabotage. and i will not do that. my fear tells me to not be honest about how i am feeling. and i will not do that either. i guess in the end, i am no longer listening to my fear. yes, i hear her musings but i dont need to do what she says anymore. freedom. hope. these are mine, my gifts, i have worked for them and i will not give them away. not even for a minute.

lastly, last night we took the kids to see the fireworks. they had never gone before. i was worried about my daughter who can be sensitive to sounds and new things. i thought about not taking her bc maybe she'd be crying and so upset that she'd never want to see another firework show forever. i thought about cancelling. when the first firework went off, i looked down at my daughter's face. in the light of the still bright sky--i saw a little face alive, mesmerized, smiling. i could barely pay attention to the show myself as i sat there looking down at the little girl who was pointing and smiling at the sky. i thought to myself, this is the lesson--i cant protect her from what is scary or me and if i try--we both just may miss the fireworks.