hi all, tonite is tuesday. true to form, i cannot sleep, and am tired. why or how this happens to me i really dont know but that it does just when i am on the edge of being rested again is true madness. anyway, not in an effort to try to make my insomnia productive, here i am. so far the last week has been rough. my dad is meeting with a cardiologist to figure out his double bypass surgery for next week. our house is still under contract and i feel hopelessly in limbo. my job is slow which means my head is constantly in all of the wrong places--i.e. worrying, being negative, etc and i have a sore throat.
complaining is liberating--at least momentarily. anyway, tonite i sit here. tired. lonely. unsure. i am trying to work on accepting things as they happen. trying to feel that things will work out as they should. trying to not feel like i am mid air in a free fall jump which is how i really feel. i feel somewhat removed from my old and current life and nowhere near into my new life. stuck in purgatory. or just plain stuck.
i feel out of sync with things. sometimes this happens. it always unhappens but it does happen. i worry that i am on the brink of some sort of terrible spin out. then i remember that whenever times are tough i have this worry--intially. it passes.
i remember how after jfk jr died--there was lots of press on the actual accident. i was intrigued and terrified by the idea that new pilots in extreme fog and weather can actually experience not knowing up form down and it is then that they need to use instruments. i remember reading this and thinking, even back then, what a metaphor for life this is. when we are confused and cant see well--we need to fall back on using our instruments. we need to actually not trust our instincts because they may feed us inaccurate information. so tonite, i try to use my instruments. my instruments are my recovery tools. meetings. friends. writing. reading. i need to do what works for me and not keep looking out at the fog anymore. sometimes when it is dark and rainy it is best to not try to see what is going on but to use other tools. it makes sense, maybe?
so here i sit, tonite, like so many other nights. tired. awake. wondering. i hear the breeze blowing the night trees and feel that this too will pass. this night like many other nights will be a memory and these worries like all of the others before them will work out exactly as they are supposed to. i just need to continue to trust the process. hope you can trust your process too. whoever you are, wherever you are--thanks for listening again tonite. xxk
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