nothing changes until we do

hi all. today is saturday. yesterday, i got my hair cut and my hair dresser gave me a manicure on the house. i now have dark dark green metallic looking short nails and an updated tousledish bob like hair cut. i am sitting here drinking my first coffee (ouch, it is 1:49p) and attempting to wake up from working my overnite shift--again. this job is one of those jobs that i have enjoyed but also seems to have taken as much has given in terms of my life and the lives of the people close to me. working residential is not family friendly. a few days ago i had the thought (again) that it might be ironic if i was neglecting my own children to help heal someone else's--that maybe one was cancelling the other out and that i might need to really look at who is important to me and needs me and who is important but also could be helped by other people too.

my kids need me. not all of the time, of course. they have great and amazing teachers at Discovery PreSchool, amazing friends there, and a nice set of parents who are always around too. we are so lucky there. my kids have their amazing father, their mima, their nana and grandpa, their aunt kristin and uncle marc, cousin cora, grandpa Bud and lots of other great people in their lives but none of those people can take the place of me, their mama and how they do need me--for real and not someone else. they say it takes a village and i am the first to agree but the village cannot replace the mommy. we all know it. it is true. kids need their parents. and this mommy needs a job that does not cause her to miss out on weekends and week nights with them while they still like me and want to be around me. i realize this is a situation that i cant take for granted. so when i am all grown up and ready to spend "quality time" with them and not distracted and impatient--that they will say ok good mom, we've been waiting for you, lets hang out and read and snuggle. kids dont wait for us that way. life doesnt wait for us that way.

if i have to work at this job because after looking--i cant find another then that is one thing. sometimes we have to make hard choices for our family. i am not saying all mothers, in all situations need to make changes, our choices are in many ways limited by many things outside of our control. but we do need to see what our choices really are...each of us. to look at our options and take responsibility for what we've chosen--for better and for worse.

i interviewed for a new job at (gulp) a health insurance giant a few weeks ago. this is after countless applications to other rehabs for day positions. i realized i need to work to make money and to (maybe) have benefits if we need them. right now, i need to work for my family not for me. i am passionate about helping people and about recovery, but there are more ways then one to do both of these things. and maybe the universe wants me somewhere else right now--like home with the kids who really need my help--my own.

it takes humility and a certain amount of self sacrifice to make a step away from what i think i want professionally but i also have some added insight that i am taking a step towards what i want personally--to have time with my kids. to have enough money to not spend the time i am with them, worried about how to pay for things they need or want. (i admit they need way less then i think btw.)

the health insurance place called last week and left a message that they were looking forward to talking to me. the interviews went well. i am interested to see what will happen next and where i will end up in a few weeks. i know that things that i was blogging abotu at work a few weeks ago really opened my eyes up to the simple truth that i was working hard for people who didnt appreciate it and who had no idea how to be professional. not to me and not to anyone else either. i had a choice to make about where i want to be and who i want to work with. i think i have made my choice. enough being the victim of my job. we all have choices. xxK