Hi All. Today is Tuesday--I am supposed to be at work now but my kids had a 3 hour delay at school. I cant tell you how hard it is for me to sometimes make these minor adjustments in my schedule. Even when I know the weather could be bad and school could be closed or cancelled--I still struggle to be flexible and to accept the day as it unfolds and not as I had planned. Also, despite my new Zoloft I am still anxious about some work drama that is going on and feel sort of twisted over what will happen. I sort of just wanted to go to work and get on with dealing with it. The delay could be torturous if I let it, so I thought I'd write instead of worry or at least do both.
My work situation is a strange thing since it involves me behaving in a pretty unusual way at work which is to be someone who becomes so angry that they have to leave a meeting or risk saying something inappropriate or unfixable. Having never really experienced this level of anger at work I am trying to sort out how I contributed to this situation and what I can do to fix up my part without taking over responsibility. Mostly I can see that what I did was engage with a sick person and expect them to respond to me like a healthy person. I was being ration with someone who was not in a rational space. I know better, usually. Upon further reflection and with some help from the 4th Step I can see that I had some resentments building with this person that I had left unaddressed--thinking it was better to just let them go--which might have been true if I had actually let them go but holding on to them and doing nothing about them is not a good plan for resolution or healthy and direct communication. I learned that in the future I need to address issues when they happen--even if that means being uncomfortable.
For today, my goal is to stay connected to my highest self. The part of me that is confident, safe, and spiritually centered. I cannot let myself go to the fear place because when I act from there--weird shit happens. I end up ANGRY or weak and scared. Someone very high level where I work accused me of being fragile--in a public forum when I was not present. I was so mad when I learned this that I was back in the situation that I had to leave all over again. I need to stay in my safe place or I react instead of act. I want to be in a place of quiet confidence, stable, humble, certain. I hope I can do that today and not fall into the trap of getting scared and then angry. I am smarter then that.
My fourth step showed me that I was giving people I work with too much power in my life. That I was not trusting in my higher power or really connected to it. Blah, what a mess I got into. Here it is though, I am committed to learning from it and to hopefully learning more about some of the areas in my life that still need work.
I hope you are all trying to see your "mistakes" as opportunities too. It is not easy, but it is rewarding and so much better then staying in the anger and carrying resentments around. xxK
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