hi all. i keep beginning my posts with the surprise at how long it has been since i last wrote. i am going to try to post more regularly this year. we'll see how that goes. today i was thinking about the process of recovery. so often i am reminded that recovery is a process. it is a process that has a definite beginning but no ending. recovery is ongoing. a journey much more then a destination. in early recovery this awareness was disheartening but recently i have begun to see the journey as encouraging--as in, i have lots of time to work on growing and learning all different things. i dont have to rush. i dont have to be perfect or know everything today. i can just do my best for today and learn as much as i can from whatever happens to me and the people around me.
also, i should say that some big things have happened in my recovery lately. the first is that i finally got a sponsor. if i was into using caps i would put finally in all caps. finally, after about 7 plus years of either not having one, or having one but not using them, i have a sponsor and i am talking to her. i am doing the steps with the big book (AA's basic text) and have committed myself to speaking with her twice a week for about fifteen or twenty minutes a call to read two pages of the book at a time together. we do this and then we talk about the readings and she explains historical information to me and gives me her own interpretation of reading. this is useful for a number of different reasons but mainly because it really has helped me feel more grounded in the actual program of AA. since AA is a fundamental or really the fundamental tool of my recovery--it helps to really understand it. i used to think this sort of thing was annoying but i dont anymore. i guess i have grown in a way and am willing to be open minded about AA not just the people (who i have always loved and been open minded about) but the writing, the literature, the steps---ie the real work.
for a long time i believed that therapy was more effective for me then AA. i have not totally changed my opinion about this but i have started to think that i can do both and they are not mutually exclusive. there are things about alcoholism that i forget. traits in myself i guess that i forget to tie back into addiction. it is useful to remember that many other people suffer from some of these things (a tendency to isolate, a proclivity to obsessive thinking, and a few other self-defeating characteristics like procrastination that can be frustrating and make me feel bad about myself). when i am reminded that i share these characteristics with millions of other people i sort of instantly feel better. i am not alone. a fact that i intellectually know but dont always really feel. when i do the work of AA--i feel it. i feel how much i have in common with other people and how lucky i am to know it and to be able to do something about it.
the other things i am doing are trying to exercise regularly, taking (sigh) new medicine (zoloft for anyone who cares about these things), and going to more meetings. the meds can be a dicey topic for some in AA but i think i have said before here that i REALLY dont think this is an AA topic. my mental health struggles with anxiety and depression have at times felt more terrible then my drinking. i have only been taking the zoloft for a few weeks but i am hopeful that (along w/ my therapy and the other stuff) my irritability and fatigue will slowly begin to lift. there are many people close to me who do not share my views about antidepressants and that is just fine. i am talking only about how i feel about myself and what works for me. i get that for some people the use of such medicine is not only unnecessary but potentially threatening to their recovery (ie the idea of taking a pill to feel better may seem too familiar to some...)--for me, i feel way less likely to pick up a drink now that i dont want to rage at my kids a hundred times a day but this is personal and something we all need to look at for ourselves.
my next blog is going to be my first step written out. i am going to do this bc 1) it will force me to begin writing and 2) i think it might be interesting for people to read what the steps are all about. i am going to try to keep my steps that i publish sort of general and not too specific (to protect the guilty and innocent...). i hope someone out there finds them useful. i thank you for reading and i hope you'll come back again soon. i promise to do more of my sober writing. hope you all are healthy and happy this 2012. xxk
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