Hi All. I have been getting some really good advice lately. The title of this blog is not advice I received but it really fits in with some stuff that I have been thinking about and considering--namely faith. My faith in something divine-like in divine order or in a power greater than myself is both strong and sort of cloudy and fluffy--like I cant quite get my head around what I think. Add to that this sort of background skepticism/ logical side that I have and things get muddy, quick. It has been hard for me to accept a higher power as an integral part of recovery and of life for a long time. I have always sort of felt that yes, I believed in something but no, I dont think I need to in order to be sober. I almost hate writing that because I dont want to mess anyone else up but it is my truth. I always have depended so much on my mind to think me out of things, come up with the words, figure it out.
The really funny thing is that my mind never helped me get better. My mind generally keeps me sick. The changes that I have made that have really helped me, that have changed me, are the ones that I made from my heart and my gut. The deep part of me that just said--do this or dont do this anymore. My head was too busy saying things to me like--dont worry about it, everyone else does it, and telling me to just relax and have a drink. Addiction is a mental illness, this is something I would never deny or could never. Once I quit drinking, I got to take a look at the obsessive nature of my mind (even away from my drinking) and to begin to attend to dealing with that--as the fundamental source of the problem.
You can see in this crazy blog that my mind just rattles on sometimes forward and often around and around over the same worries, anxieties, and insecurities. Round and round like a hamster on a wheel my mind goes. It takes so much work and time to do things differently, to think different. Sometimes I feel as though it is futile and I will never really change and then something happens and I realize I am actually thinking about things different, behaving differently, and I feel hopeful.
A few days ago someone told me that I should "invite god into the room" before an important meeting. That I should go early and just be in the space by myself and invite the presence of my higher power or divine spirit or whatever i believe into the room with me. That I should remember that no one has that much power in my life--unless I give it to them. what they didnt say but I thought was that I need to remember that I am being taken care of--because I do believe that I am--I do believe that there is a divine order and purpose to the events of our lives that we dont always know but that is real. I know there are a million reasons to shoot down this idea but as I sit here, I do smile. I do feel as though I am taken care of. I am ok. I am finding my voice and I am realizing who I am and what is really important to me. Maybe I am not who or what I thought I would be, but I am not disappointed in who I have found either. I am exactly as I am supposed to be and exactly where I am supposed to be--just like you are. xxK
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