6 years

six years of no drinking and here i am. i am always nostalgic on my sober birthday. it is sort of like the birthday i picked for myself. i sit here and think about where i was, where i am, where i am going. now it is days after my sober birthday because i didnt have a chance to finish my post before this. 4.11.04. a good day for me.

where i was: lost. back then it was just getting harder and harder to be myself without a drink. every year i was becoming a little less who i wanted to be. then i quit drinking. it was hard. i struggled. i cried. i felt sorry for myself. i thought about drinking again. i thought about the person i wanted to be. i thought about the relationship i wanted to have. i thought about the kids i wanted to have. i thought about going backwards and not forwards. i went to therapy. i went to aa. i went to bed on time. i slept. i worked out. i ate better. i played with my dog. i started feeling something solid inside me. i began to feel that i could depend on myself. that feeling was sort of intoxicating, especially in the beginning when it was new--though i admit to still really being in love with that feeling even now.

where i am now: each year since then has just gotten better. each year i feel a little closer to who i want to be. feel a little more comfortable in my skin. a little less confused. a little more present. a little smarter. a little more capable and a lot more focused. i know this--i like myself most of the time.

where i am going: (woodstock,ny specifically) but where i am really going is forward and out. from a life that once felt so backwards and in. i just want to keep going forward and keep getting out of myself when i can. i want to help others. i want to stay hopeful even when it is stupid, against all odds, and everyone else walks away. i want to continue to believe in all of our ability to change--at any moment that we commit to it.

to anyone else out there in recovery or wanting to be--i cant encourage you enough to consider the life that you want and then work towards it. maybe your problems have nothing to do with substances but are something else entirely. it doesnt really matter i dont think--we all can recover our lost selves whenever we decide we are really ready to take action, to do the work, to begin again. and by all means if you need help or want it--ask for it. i can say without almost any hesitation that the ability to ask for help when you need it really separates the people who get better from the people who think about getting better. for my own self i would like to self indulgently thank ts and the bennington aa community for a six years like no other. xx