hi all. today is thursday. i am doing this community based health activity that involves wearing a pedometer and making yourself excercise. the good news is that i've actually been exercising. tonite though i was walking/barely jogging when i was struck with just how beautiful vermont is. my throat ached. i seriously thought i was going to cry. i was running thru southern vt medical center parking lot and thought about having both my kids there. i looked over and saw ucs and nearly strained my neck to possibly catch a glimpse of my old therapist. i was nostalgic and sad and immediately started wondering if maybe i should have just said no to this move.
then i realized that the voice i was hearing was not my own inner voice but rather my inner fear. this is an important distinction. while my inner voice may guide me and encourage me to have faith, be optimistic, dream, etc. the other voice--my fear voice aka my alcoholic voice just tells me not to take any chances. the fear voice tells me that my good life is fragile and could break and change with any sudden movements and that i need to be still and not change a thing. having lived in this way for a pretty fair amount of time (like 15 years) i am luckily pretty familiar with this cunning and powerful voice which just wants me scared, sad, and feeling victimized--even when i am not really any of those things. i guess the natural progression for it all would go something like--dont take any chances, dont try anything new, feel sad, feel stuck, feel like a victim, blame other people, feel hopeless, decide that given how shithouse everything is that a drink would be just fine. ha. i am smarter then this voice now.
that is not to say that i wont deeply miss vermont. vermont is the first real home that i made for myself. i love the people i have met and who i have learned from so much that i actually could cry with gratitude for it all. how a broken, sad, and lonely girl ended up a (sort of) strong woman with a family and home is beyond me. the thing that finally shifted in my head tonite though is that me, my sense of being home and safe, is going with me wherever i go. i dont have to leave anything behind because it is all in me. my friends, my teachers, all of my memories--good and hard come with me. vt is coming with me wherever i go. xx
Hopefully you know that the street goes both ways... you're taking all of us with you, and we're taking you with us wherever we go, too. You've left a big impression here, and that won't ever be forgotten, at least not by me. :)
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