bad habits and monday

today is monday. i pretty much hate mondays and always have. i am not sure where that comes from but it seems so natural to me that i do it, that i rarely stop to wonder why. i like my job and so the idea of returning to it is not so terrible. i dont know, maybe it is just a habit to hate on monday. today i am grumpy though and unmotivated. i dont want to do what i know i should which just makes me feel worse and not better. not doing what i know i should is a bad habit. procrastination--it sucks the life out of me and leaves me with nothing but free time that i feel guilty about and cant even enjoy. pretty pointless.

there is also this other thing. this hating people who like mondays thing. the best way i can explain this phenomena is to reference aimee mann's album "f#@*$ the smilers." i think the smilers are the people i hate on on days like monday. it is not terribly sober to not like happy people though and so i'd like to distinguish truly happy people from people who act happy--all of the time. ugh. those people just kill me. either they exisit in a world i cannot understand or they are truly fake and act happy because they dont have the courage to act how they really feel. this again leads me to wonder what the f is wrong with me though since acting happy in of itself is not so terrible--i guess i'd just like some recognition of the faking it part. jeepers. i sound crazy.

my whole life i am one kind of person though--messed up. late. tired. funny and loveable but self defeating and self destructive. suddenly (or not so suddenly) i am not really that person anymore. not so messed up. sometimes late but not pathologically. not so tired anymore. not so self defeating and not self destructive. what is a girl to do when faced with a new identity. one that might just involve being actually happy and maybe even successful. if you're me then you rebel until you come to some sort of reconciliation with who you once were and who you are now.

today, i guess i will try to stop writing and go back to what i am supposed to be doing. wish i had some insight for you but really just getting thru it today. maybe procrastination is both self defeating and self destructive. maybe letting go of those bed fellows is scary and so i return to them over and over. suprised each time that they dont work for me. now that is behavior i can recognize...