signs

today our century 21 sign went up outsid our house. i drove up to the house and there it was. we are selling our house. we are moving. i thought i was really going to freak out, but i didnt. i was calm. i felt basically ok. i wondered if some of my early worrying and anxiety about moving has helped me accept that i am indeed moving and then also helped me sort thru my feelings about it. maybe. i did also run (or walk and run) today outside and that was humbling but helpful. i listened to a song i really love. a lyric--even a bad life is still the life that you know. it made me think back to when i moved to vt from nyc nearly 9 years ago. how different these moves are. where i was then and where i am now.

i dint really move to vt. i sort of escaped to it. i was running away from myself, my drinking, my fears. i ran far from nyc and ended up here in vt, and found myself mostly alone with myself, and confronted with the reality that the only person that i had to blame for my unhappiness, insecurity, fear--was me. there was no person that could make me ok. no one is strong enough, stable enough, ok enough to make someone who is not ok feel ok. i was sad. i was scared. i saw people who were stable, whole, curious, engaged and interested in life and i wanted to be them. i knew something was wrong but i didnt have the courage to really look at it for long. i guess i was afraid of what i'd find if i looked too hard at myself and so, like anyone who wont like at themselves, i looked at everyone else. dissected their problems and blamed them for mine.

even now looking back i am barely able to connect the dots from that time to this. have trouble recalling exactly how i extracted myself from one life and found another. all i remember is that something deep deep inside of me told me that i was going in the wrong direction. i wanted love, security, acceptance. i thought if someone gave it to me first then i could give it back to myself. of course, it took a while to figure out it had to start with me. i am still figuring it out. still gently reminding myself that both the problem and solution are in me. long sigh.

lastly and maybe unrelated--i went to a meeting tonite. it got me thinking about surrender. surrender is not something i am good at. it is more like something i try to do, do, and then undo over and over. i dont know that this is wrong. maybe i am alone in my sometimes unbelievable ability to convince myself that things i know are problems are not really problems. then i have to do all of this crazy mental gymnastics to outsmart my own brain back into what i really know--which is that one drink this girl will never have--and be satisfied with. never had and was satisfied with.

one nice glass of wine always made me want another. always. no exceptions. one cold beer always made me want another. always. if i couldnt have at least 3 then i didnt want 1. nothing else in my life is quite like this or ever has been. i know this. deep down know this. remember vividly at times how the desire for more feels and how quickly (with just 1) it starts.

i guess it is vigilance in the end. i know what i know. when i am honest. when i am real. when i listen to myself then my own truth is always right here with me. i dont need to convince you, my neighbor, my coworker, a friend--it doesnt even really matter what you think about me or what i think about you. it just matters what we know about ourselves. in the end--it is just sober me alone with sober me and finally--after years of running from myself--being alone with me is actually just fine. xx