out with the old and in with...something else

hi all. here i am. again. last week i visited vermont and some of my old friends and coworkers. as most of you know i moved to ny a few months ago and have been blogging endlessly about moving and transitions. i have been blogging so much about these things that even i got tired of thinking about it. i stopped writing so much. stopped thinking so much and started just doing and letting myself be or at least trying to. you see, for me, it is not easy to let myself be. i harp on myself. ocmpare myself. dissect myself and the lives of those around me...i do this because figuring things out helps me convince myself that i can predict what will happen. then i feel safe as i prepare myself for the life that i expect to happen.

the funny thing is that that really scary life never actually happens. the life i predict full of catastrophes and drama exists only in one place--my mind. i realized the other night as i was working at my new job that i am a pretty keen observer. before i am comfortable anywhere, i am just a watcher. i stand back and assess. sometimes this is good and sometimes not so good but i have accepted that for good or for bad this is me. what i never considered is that the observations are only as keen or accurate as the person who makes them.

i understand how as a child these predictions somehow made me feel safe and i understand as an adult how they do the opposite. i read once that we get what we see or we find what we look for etc. how simple. how true.

tonite i was putting my daughter to sleep--after a really fun halloween. we were talking about crying. my daughter said adults never cry. she said this in this most matter of fact an dknowing way. of course i explained that of course we all cry and reminded her in fact that she has seen me cry and i am an adult. but the real truth is that she has seen me cry so rarely that she doesnt even remember it. understanding fully that there will be a time when she the truth about adults crying will appear--i have to admit that i will go to sleep tonite grateful for both of us that this is her truth.
happy halloween friends. xxk