still more in here

hi all. yes, i am back again already. at least it is still a respectable hour and not crazy insomniac late yet. still thinking about all of this chatter in my head lately about what other people think of me. i really have not been this way in a long time but moving--well it has brought it all back. the anxiety, the wanting to be liked, the wanting to fit in etc. the last time i moved was to vt and i was still drinking and it was a terribly tough transition that drinking did not help one bit to smooth. actually quite the opposite--i just kind of fell further and further into myself and my demons. so drinking is pretty clearly not the solution. drugs out of the question bc they'd just make me want to drink and also, lets be honest, the never really helped either. all things chemical just make me more of the bad things (selfish, self absorbed, emotional, neurotic) and then less of the good things (thoughtful, aware, compassionate).

i just remember how i moved to vt two weeks before 9/11 and so when it happened and i was in vt it was very odd. i felt like my home was attacked and i landed in a strange town where no one got it. there were candle light vigils that the town did and community activities. i remember sitting in a really shit house bar in town having gone to have one drink before attending this candle light vigil. and you all know how that went. i decided i could have my own vigil sitting right there at ryans. once at a bar it was nearly impossible for me to leave while they were still serving. every good intention, thoughtful idea, every right action just dissolved into that glass. gone.

so, here i am today. 6 years plus from the last drink. many real actions into the life i want and still i wrestle the demons. what does so and so think of me. as if somehow someone else's opinion of me might somehow either make me better or make me worse. knowing full well that it cant actually do either i remain stumped at the power someone else liking me still holds.

tonite i wonder if this not caring what others think of us is just an everyday thing. sort of like acceptance. we dont get to just accept and the move on. we are constantly in a state of either accepting or not. perhaps this being our own true selves, holding our head high, being strong...maybe this is just the same. not something i get to do once and then be done but something i have to do every single day. i guess it is that simple and that hard. i dont get to love myself just once. i have to do it over and over--until it is habit. thanks for listening, think i finally got this one sorted out. xxk