Hi All. Well, here I am. Today is Wednesday. I am using this writing as a tool to somewhat delay my ongoing work on my 4th step. I am proud to report that I have entered the world of my resentments and am living to tell about it. On this past Saturday I could not sleep and so I wrote the list. At first it was really tough but once I got over my self consciousness (what kind of person is mad at this many people) I sort of got into it. I got in touch with my inner hater and I have to say that she was not as hidden or hard to reach as I might have thought. Here is what I have learned so far.
#1 Hater at the office. The list of people that pissed me off is longer than I originally anticipated. One thing I noticed straight away is that I developed a lot of resentments at work--and specifically at work in advertising in NYC. This is interesting for a number of different reasons but mostly because this is when I was drinking the most, was the most unhappy, and liked myself the least. I think it is worth considering that when I was passively hating on myself by drinking myself into a nightly stupor--I was actively hating on others too. My actively was in the form of thoughts and gossiping-so while I never was violent or not law abiding--I certainly was engaging in behavior that was not helpful to anyone and was mean. Since the resentments that I have center around people being mean to me this is pretty funny.
#2 Being a hater. Once I am in the hating space it is pretty easy to just hate away. This was good for list making purposes but is an interesting thing to consider for daily life. Once I am in the negative it is not that much of a stretch to see things from that perspective. When I am in the hate space than I am a victim of everyone. It is unpleasant and downright disempowering being my kind of hater. I am glad I am not there very often these days.
#3 Jealousy. I notice that a good deal of my resentments were against women and had some sort of jealous subtext. Sort of like, you were mean to me and you were really pretty and good at your job. I felt like you judged yourself as better than me. Which really was more like: I judged you as better than me and then I felt yucky and less than and terrible and blamed you. Which really was more like: I felt yucky and terrible and blamed you.
#4 Love--or something. I have some heavy resentments in the romance department too. These are more complicated since I had some complicated entanglements. Yes, entanglements. Ok, I think what I can say about this category is that it is not that dissimilar from my work category. I felt less then and terrible and blamed you. To sum it up, I dont think anyone can love someone enough or right if that person doesnt love themselves enough or right. The men I was involved with could never have loved me enough or right back then--regardless of how much they tried, really cared, or wanted to help me. I was a lost cause dressed in black and waiting for someone else to find me, save me, and basically fix me. I think we all can see how that is not the set-up for a good relationship. My most bitter resentments stem from a time in my life, again, where I hated myself, felt so lost, and was just looking for someone to make it all better. I hate or hated some of these men so much for not loving me enough for both of us. Ouch.
So, this is all that I have learned so far. I am just beginnning to look at my actual resentments so sure there is tons more to learn. Right now I just feel totally floored at how much I blamed the people around me for feelings that I had. I feel less than and I blame you for thinking you are better than me. I feel ugly and blame you for thinking you are prettier than me. I feel stupid and inadequate and blame you for thinking you are smarter and more competent than me. It is painful to see how I did this--to others and to myself. Painful but fascinating.
I hope you are all learning something today. I know it sounds corny but last night I was trying to help my daughter figure out what to do instead of cry when she feels frustrated. Nothing against crying but it is not always productive to solving the problem at hand. So I am saying something like, when you feel like crying because you are frustrated than maybe you can just Stop and think about what you really need or want and then ask for help if you need it--this way you know what you want and other people do too. She thought about this and then agreed to try. She said something later asking how I knew what she should do. I told her that I have struggled with this crying about the problem instead of thinking about the solution for a very very long time. She laughed and said since you were 5? Yes, that sounds just about right--trust me kid, I got this one. xx K
http://silkworth.net/aa/12steps.html
#1 Hater at the office. The list of people that pissed me off is longer than I originally anticipated. One thing I noticed straight away is that I developed a lot of resentments at work--and specifically at work in advertising in NYC. This is interesting for a number of different reasons but mostly because this is when I was drinking the most, was the most unhappy, and liked myself the least. I think it is worth considering that when I was passively hating on myself by drinking myself into a nightly stupor--I was actively hating on others too. My actively was in the form of thoughts and gossiping-so while I never was violent or not law abiding--I certainly was engaging in behavior that was not helpful to anyone and was mean. Since the resentments that I have center around people being mean to me this is pretty funny.
#2 Being a hater. Once I am in the hating space it is pretty easy to just hate away. This was good for list making purposes but is an interesting thing to consider for daily life. Once I am in the negative it is not that much of a stretch to see things from that perspective. When I am in the hate space than I am a victim of everyone. It is unpleasant and downright disempowering being my kind of hater. I am glad I am not there very often these days.
#3 Jealousy. I notice that a good deal of my resentments were against women and had some sort of jealous subtext. Sort of like, you were mean to me and you were really pretty and good at your job. I felt like you judged yourself as better than me. Which really was more like: I judged you as better than me and then I felt yucky and less than and terrible and blamed you. Which really was more like: I felt yucky and terrible and blamed you.
#4 Love--or something. I have some heavy resentments in the romance department too. These are more complicated since I had some complicated entanglements. Yes, entanglements. Ok, I think what I can say about this category is that it is not that dissimilar from my work category. I felt less then and terrible and blamed you. To sum it up, I dont think anyone can love someone enough or right if that person doesnt love themselves enough or right. The men I was involved with could never have loved me enough or right back then--regardless of how much they tried, really cared, or wanted to help me. I was a lost cause dressed in black and waiting for someone else to find me, save me, and basically fix me. I think we all can see how that is not the set-up for a good relationship. My most bitter resentments stem from a time in my life, again, where I hated myself, felt so lost, and was just looking for someone to make it all better. I hate or hated some of these men so much for not loving me enough for both of us. Ouch.
So, this is all that I have learned so far. I am just beginnning to look at my actual resentments so sure there is tons more to learn. Right now I just feel totally floored at how much I blamed the people around me for feelings that I had. I feel less than and I blame you for thinking you are better than me. I feel ugly and blame you for thinking you are prettier than me. I feel stupid and inadequate and blame you for thinking you are smarter and more competent than me. It is painful to see how I did this--to others and to myself. Painful but fascinating.
I hope you are all learning something today. I know it sounds corny but last night I was trying to help my daughter figure out what to do instead of cry when she feels frustrated. Nothing against crying but it is not always productive to solving the problem at hand. So I am saying something like, when you feel like crying because you are frustrated than maybe you can just Stop and think about what you really need or want and then ask for help if you need it--this way you know what you want and other people do too. She thought about this and then agreed to try. She said something later asking how I knew what she should do. I told her that I have struggled with this crying about the problem instead of thinking about the solution for a very very long time. She laughed and said since you were 5? Yes, that sounds just about right--trust me kid, I got this one. xx K
http://silkworth.net/aa/12steps.html
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