Hi All,
Ok, here we are. Smack in the middle of the fourth step. This is the time to seriously work on humor and not taking myself too seriously. My goal since my list is complete is to now work on each individual resentment. Ummm. Wow. This is not an easy task. I feel overwhelmed by it. I also feel strange about it because I do not like the hater space. Nope. Dont like it. My inner hater gets all comfortable and then I am working hard to get her back in her cage when I am done. A lot of effort but since I was just thinking tonite about how I miss drinking, I would say it is ok to keep working on my sobriety.
Which leads me to that. The missing drinking thing. It comes up. Sometimes at predictable times (stress) and other times it is more random. Anyway, today it was both. I was laying in the bath tub being relaxed or trying to be and thinking about my old college friends bc they had facebooked (yes, i just made it a verb) and I was thinking that I was so boring now and maybe it is just not worth it to be sober bc I have to sacrifice all of my fun, exciting, and crazy times for more chilled out, stable, healthy times. This is a pretty fucked up thought bc most of my fun, exciting times were more fun for others or from the outside than they actually were for me. I mean I said it was fun but I am not sure it was actually fun? And even if it was fun in the moment, it was not fun after the moment. So, it is all very tricky to get my head around and sometimes I get sort of muddled and think a margarita might just make this Friday night a little better and life is short and...and...yep, there is my disease. She is good, but I am better.
I see her coming with her life is short stuff. Jeepers. I want to live till I am 100 and be healthy and vital and happy. I dont want some crazy high strung psycho life that ends at 40. I dont want that for me or for my family. The only person who wants that life for me is my disease. She wants me dead and she wants me dead soon, but (as I've heard) she'll settle for me unhappy too.
It is Mother's Day weekend and I am a sober Mama. I am proud of that. I am proud that I am not tipping my wine glass as I type in order to relax or to feel happy. Today I can get there on my own. I am not perfect but I am trying to be a better person and I am not going to an alcoholic beverage get in my way. Not tonite. Now, back to my list. xxxK
Ok, here we are. Smack in the middle of the fourth step. This is the time to seriously work on humor and not taking myself too seriously. My goal since my list is complete is to now work on each individual resentment. Ummm. Wow. This is not an easy task. I feel overwhelmed by it. I also feel strange about it because I do not like the hater space. Nope. Dont like it. My inner hater gets all comfortable and then I am working hard to get her back in her cage when I am done. A lot of effort but since I was just thinking tonite about how I miss drinking, I would say it is ok to keep working on my sobriety.
Which leads me to that. The missing drinking thing. It comes up. Sometimes at predictable times (stress) and other times it is more random. Anyway, today it was both. I was laying in the bath tub being relaxed or trying to be and thinking about my old college friends bc they had facebooked (yes, i just made it a verb) and I was thinking that I was so boring now and maybe it is just not worth it to be sober bc I have to sacrifice all of my fun, exciting, and crazy times for more chilled out, stable, healthy times. This is a pretty fucked up thought bc most of my fun, exciting times were more fun for others or from the outside than they actually were for me. I mean I said it was fun but I am not sure it was actually fun? And even if it was fun in the moment, it was not fun after the moment. So, it is all very tricky to get my head around and sometimes I get sort of muddled and think a margarita might just make this Friday night a little better and life is short and...and...yep, there is my disease. She is good, but I am better.
I see her coming with her life is short stuff. Jeepers. I want to live till I am 100 and be healthy and vital and happy. I dont want some crazy high strung psycho life that ends at 40. I dont want that for me or for my family. The only person who wants that life for me is my disease. She wants me dead and she wants me dead soon, but (as I've heard) she'll settle for me unhappy too.
It is Mother's Day weekend and I am a sober Mama. I am proud of that. I am proud that I am not tipping my wine glass as I type in order to relax or to feel happy. Today I can get there on my own. I am not perfect but I am trying to be a better person and I am not going to an alcoholic beverage get in my way. Not tonite. Now, back to my list. xxxK
You are, as you know, not your thoughts. YOU are the witness of your thoughts...that witness is already perfect...sorry... Just kidding...your blog is a wonderful mirror. Xo Allen
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