Hi All,
Well, last night it really started. I am on my way to doing an actual and real fourth step from the Big Book (of Alcoholics Anonymous). This is interesting for lots of different reasons but mostly because I am actually doing it with my real and true sponsor, who I actually talk to twice a week at designated times. For anyone reading not in recovery (Hi Mom :) this just means that I am doing a personal inventory of people that I have resentments towards. The idea is that we basically clean out our emotional closet so we can understand our role in our resentments and, ultimately, our lives. I find it all sort of daunting since my party line usually is--who me? mad? (Said with red crazy face and clenched teeth and punctuated with a door slam.)
Trying to look back at my entire life and figure out resentments is really strange because it requires some serious (not entry level) honesty. Not if I deserve to have a resentment, but if I do. This to me is an important distinction. This is about my truth not about what I want my truth to be. So far my experience with my list is that I dont have much to work with. I am either highly evolved (nope dont think so) or have been the victim once again of my very own brand of revisionist history. Who me? Mad? This is coming from someone who often said things like I dont really get angry and I meant it. What I should have said is that when I experience an emotion that feels something like anger, I order a drink, drink it, and repeat until said emotion is gone. No wonder I thought I never felt anger, because I never really allowed myself to.
The sort of sad part of all of this is that because my drinking was my coping skill there are some emotional tools that I am only just beginning to make sense of. These are adult skills but (like many of us in recovery) I am a beginner adult at 38 and am still trying to feel my way thru the darkness of emotional honesty. Who am I angry at? Forget why, I can barely get the who? It turns out that I am actually a little afraid to face anger and/or resentments.
A long time ago when I first quit drinking I remember being afraid to cry. I just thought and maybe even said that if I started crying I might never stop. I cried for the better part of the first year of my sobriety. I am not sure over what specifically. Mourning my friend alcohol and then just trying to sort thru what it feels like to actually feel things. The answer is...surreal, exciting, and scary. In much the same way that I worried that my crying would never stop I guess I am sort of worried that there will be no end to the anger pit once I dive into it. While I know this is not true, it feels that way. All I can think is- that if we dont understand our own history for real then we really are doomed to repeat it. Here's to a fourth step that doesnt go on forever--and honest feelings for all of us. xxK
I
Well, last night it really started. I am on my way to doing an actual and real fourth step from the Big Book (of Alcoholics Anonymous). This is interesting for lots of different reasons but mostly because I am actually doing it with my real and true sponsor, who I actually talk to twice a week at designated times. For anyone reading not in recovery (Hi Mom :) this just means that I am doing a personal inventory of people that I have resentments towards. The idea is that we basically clean out our emotional closet so we can understand our role in our resentments and, ultimately, our lives. I find it all sort of daunting since my party line usually is--who me? mad? (Said with red crazy face and clenched teeth and punctuated with a door slam.)
Trying to look back at my entire life and figure out resentments is really strange because it requires some serious (not entry level) honesty. Not if I deserve to have a resentment, but if I do. This to me is an important distinction. This is about my truth not about what I want my truth to be. So far my experience with my list is that I dont have much to work with. I am either highly evolved (nope dont think so) or have been the victim once again of my very own brand of revisionist history. Who me? Mad? This is coming from someone who often said things like I dont really get angry and I meant it. What I should have said is that when I experience an emotion that feels something like anger, I order a drink, drink it, and repeat until said emotion is gone. No wonder I thought I never felt anger, because I never really allowed myself to.
The sort of sad part of all of this is that because my drinking was my coping skill there are some emotional tools that I am only just beginning to make sense of. These are adult skills but (like many of us in recovery) I am a beginner adult at 38 and am still trying to feel my way thru the darkness of emotional honesty. Who am I angry at? Forget why, I can barely get the who? It turns out that I am actually a little afraid to face anger and/or resentments.
A long time ago when I first quit drinking I remember being afraid to cry. I just thought and maybe even said that if I started crying I might never stop. I cried for the better part of the first year of my sobriety. I am not sure over what specifically. Mourning my friend alcohol and then just trying to sort thru what it feels like to actually feel things. The answer is...surreal, exciting, and scary. In much the same way that I worried that my crying would never stop I guess I am sort of worried that there will be no end to the anger pit once I dive into it. While I know this is not true, it feels that way. All I can think is- that if we dont understand our own history for real then we really are doomed to repeat it. Here's to a fourth step that doesnt go on forever--and honest feelings for all of us. xxK
I
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